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Burn Notice – Return for the Kill

(Scene opens with Sam, Michael, and Fiona at Michael’s loft. Sam is drinking a mojito. Michael is eating yogurt. Fiona is cleaning an automatic submachine gun.)

Fiona: Michael, any news on the people who burned you?

Michael: I’m supposed to get a call from someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me.

Sam: Mike, while we wait for that, (Sam rolls his eyes), I want you to meet someone, he has a problem.

Michael: What kind of problem?

Sam: Someone has his money and he needs us to get it back.

Fiona: Can’t we just put a bullet in this creep’s head?

Sam: Calm down Fi, let’s talk to him first. We’re meeting him at the bar on Fifth. We can order some more mojitos.

Michael: I’m trying to track down the people who burned me. I can’t get back in until I solve this. I don’t have the time to help every person who comes my way.

Sam: Michael, he has a young child.

(Close up of Michael’s distraught face.)

Michael: Let’s go.

Sam: Well, we don’t have to leave yet, we have a few hours before the meet.

Michael: Look, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to be in charge. We’re going to do this my way.

Sam: Sure Mike, you’re the boss.

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona walk out of Michael’s loft in slow-mo.)

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona pull up to the bar in Michael’s GTO. They get out of the vehicle in slow-mo. The camera pans around to show the neighborhood.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

When meeting a new client, it’s always important to case the area first to uncover any counter-surveillance. Even the smallest clues can give a lot of information. Is that bag lady an agent or just someone down on her luck? Sneaking an explosive in her shopping cart is good insurance either way.

(Scene change, Sam bumps into the bag lady while Fiona crawls under the shopping cart and attaches an explosive device.)

(Scene change, Sam, Michael, and Fiona are sitting at a table at the bar. The table is filled with finished mojitos indicating they’ve been sitting there for hours.)

Sam (Pete approaches the table and sits down): This is my friend Pete. He has a problem.

Michael: I hear someone has your money and you need us to get it back.

Pete: No, what? I just need a ride to Best Buy. I have to return this Guns ‘n Roses CD my mom bought me for my birthday. Sam said you have a car. If it’s a big deal, I could just take the bus.

Michael: Listen Pete, if you want our help we have to do this our way.

(Michael snatches the Best Buy bag from Pete.)

Pete: Hey, you can’t just take my stuff, give it back.

Fiona (cleaning her fingernails with a 7 inch dagger): Pete, we’re professionals. We’ve done this before. You’re going to have to trust us.

Pete (Standing up from the table): Listen, you guys just keep the bag, you’re fucking nuts. Keep the fucking receipt too. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

(Pete leaves the restaurant.)

Sam: I’m sorry about that. The pressure is getting to him.

Michael: It’s OK Sam. He has a young son… or daughter.

Michael: Fi, you’re going to have to get a hold of our money laundering friend, Barry, and give him a copy of this receipt. See if he can trace where the offshore accounts are.

Michael: And Sam, talk to some of your FBI buddies. See if they know anything about this Best Buy syndicate. What’s their market, who’s in charge, and most importantly, who’s their enemy.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam walk out of the restaurant in slow-mo. Michael puts his sunglasses on. Without looking down, Fiona pushes a key on her cell phone. In the background we see the bag lady exploding. They continue walking without flinching.)

(Fiona and Michael are in the front seat of Michael’s car. Sam is in the back seat.)

Sam: I wish we could have kept her alive. I’d like to have tried to get some information out of her.

Michael: With a criminal organization this large, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk to bad guys. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Sam and Fiona knowingly look at each other and smile.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Scene change to Michael’s loft. Michael exits his car in slow-mo and puts his sunglasses on. He enters the loft. He takes his sunglasses off in slow-mo. Fiona and Sam are waiting for him.)

(Inside Michael’s loft. Michael is eating a yogurt. Sam is drinking a beer. Fiona is cleaning a Glock.)

Michael: So Sam, what have you learned about this Best Buy syndicate?

Sam: It’s bad, Mike. Real bad. It’s a cartel that controls the entire electronics industry in Miami and beyond. They’ve slowly been killing off their competition one by one, Circuit City, CompUSA, Fry’s… it’s brutal. Even Apple won’t set up shop in Miami. It’s that bad. The only competition they have is a guy from Detroit. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He runs a chain of electronic stores under the name, Fretter Appliance.

Michael: Any news from Barry, Fi?

Fiona: He says they have accounts everywhere. Canada, Europe, they’re even taking over South America. They get cheap merch from China made by child slave labor and sell it throughout the world.

Fiona: I say we blow the whole place up, like we did in Belgrade.

Michael: They’re too big for that. If we blow up their local hoods, they’ll only send more. I’ve got a better idea. We’ve got to make them want to stay away.

(Fade out to Michael, dressed in a yellow suit, getting out of his car in slow-mo at the Best Buy parking lot.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

There’s two ways to approach a criminal organization. The first is as their friend, the second is as their enemy. While approaching as a friend may seem safer, you run the risk of being turned away. If you approach as an enemy, they have to deal with you. You just have to be prepared for how they decide to deal with you.

(Michael enters the Best Buy in slow-mo and takes off his sunglasses. He looks around. He finds a low level teenage employee and approaches him. Michael grabs the teen and slams him against a display.)

Michael: I need to talk to your boss. Where is he?

Employee: What the fuck, dude? If you don’t let me go I’ll call the cops.

Michael (Pushing the employee against the display): Tell your boss that my boss sent me. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He wants to come down from Detroit and set up shop here in Miami. He hired me to get rid of the competition before he gets here.

(Michael releases his grip on the employee. The employee runs away. Michael walks over to an employee directory hanging on the wall. It has the names of each employee along with photographs. He takes a picture of the directory with his cell phone. He then makes a call.)

Michael (on his cell phone): Fi, I found the local syndicate boss’ name. He’s Ted Arnold. I’m sending you a picture of him. After you track him down, tail him a bit. I want to know where he lives and who he deals with. Have Sam help you.

Fiona: I’ll get right on it. And, Michael, your mother called me. She needs to talk to you.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Sam: Mike, I got Ted’s name from Fi and ran it past my FBI and cop buddies. This guy is good, Mike. He has no record, at all. He’s perfectly clean. Too clean.

Michael: All great criminals have clean records, but those records are always forgeries.

Michael’s Voice Over:

If you’re a criminal and you want to hide your criminal past, it’s a good idea to replace your criminal file with a forged clean file. This fools the police into thinking you’re not a criminal.

Sam: Mike, this guy’s a ghost. But I got a lead, get this; he’s taking dance lessons over at Mariachi’s Dance Studio on Main.

Michael: I’ll meet you over there. I’ve just got to talk to Fi.

(Michael enters Fiona’s house. He takes off his sunglasses. Fiona is cleaning a rifle.)

Michael: Fi, I need a favor from you.

Fiona: What is it?

Michael: I need you to track down an A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle.

Fiona: Mike, that rifle was designed to stop rhinos in their tracks. Why do you need it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): Because I need to bring down a rhino. A criminal rhino.

(Michael and Fiona exit Michael’s car in slow-mo and approach Sam, who is waiting outside the dance studio.)

Sam: This Ted character is inside, “taking a class.” (Sam makes the quotation symbols with his hands.)

Michael: Who else is in there with him?

Sam: I’ve been casing the place for a few hours. (There are three empty bottles of tequila on the hood of Sam’s car.) There are some kids in there, their parents, about five dance teachers, and our Mr. Ted.

Fiona: That’s a lot of people, Michael, maybe I should lay down some C-4 on the exits in case anyone tries to get out.

Michael: Do you have any C-4 and detonators with you?

Fionna (Fiona opens a knapsack to reveal explosives and detonators.): Have we met before? (Fiona rolls her eyes.)

Michael: How long will it take?

Fiona: Give me five minutes.

(Montage scene of Fiona, Sam, and Michael installing the explosives and detonators on the exterior walls of the dance studio. Pounding industrial music plays in the background)

Fiona: Well, that’s it.

Sam: It’s show time Mike.

Michael (putting on his sunglasses): I’m ready.

(Michael, wearing the yellow suit, enters the dance studio in slow-mo.)

Michael (taking off his sunglasses): Which one of you is Ted Arnold?

Ted (the only adult male in the room.): I’m Ted Arnold, can I help you?

Michael: You can help my friend, Ollie, Ollie Fretter. Ollie wants to expand his business out of Detroit. You can help Ollie by getting out of town.

(Michael pulls out his cell phone in slow-mo and pushes a key. Nothing happens. He pushes a different key. The building starts to blow up. Everyone inside starts to run around knowing they only have seconds to live. Fiona hits Ted in the back of his head with the butt of her gun and knocks him out. Sam catches him and puts a black sack over his head.)

(Scene from inside Michael’s GTO’s trunk looking up. Sam, Michael, and Fiona dump Ted’s unconscious body in the trunk. The scene goes to black when the body hits the floor.)

(Scene change. Inside an abandoned warehouse Ted is tied to a chair with the black bag still on his head. Michael pulls off the black bag showing Ted’s bruised, bloodied face.)

Ted: What the fuck is going on?

Michael: I have a friend. You may have heard of him. Ollie, Ollie Fretter. I already told you this back at your hangout. Your former hangout. He’s thinking of expanding his operation from Detroit down to Miami. He wants you out of the way.

Ted: You’ve got me confused with someone else. I don’t deal drugs. I was just taking dance lessons to surprise my wife for our 10th anniversary. I work at Best Buy. I’m a nobody.

Michael (kicking Ted in his chest, knocking him and the chair backwards to the ground): I know drugs aren’t your racket, yet. You deal in electronics. I know all about your Chinese connections and worldwide distribution network. I know how you’ve killed off any and all competitors. I know how you use child slaves for labor. I know nearly everything. The only thing I don’t know is where I can exchange this for cash. (Michael is holding the Best Buy bag. Michael pulls out the CD along with the receipt showing them to Ted.)

Ted: You want to make a return? You want to return something at Best Buy? That’s what this whole thing is about? You killed about five people back at the studio, are you fucking nuts?

Michael: Just tell me what I want to know.

Ted: That’s easy. Just take it to the customer service counter and show them your receipt. They’ll give you the money. No questions asked. I promise.

Michael: Oh yeah, like it’s going to be that easy. I show up to make the return and your boys fill me full of lead. (Michael kicks Ted in the face.)

Ted (spitting out blood and teeth): What are you talking about? We’re a business. We don’t have any guns.

Michael: If you’re lying, I’m coming back to kill you. (Michael turns to leave.)

Ted: Wouldn’t you be dead?

Michael (turning back around and kicking Ted in the face): Yeah, and so will you.

(Michael leaves the warehouse and walks up to Sam and Fiona, who were watching the interrogation on a cell phone.)

Sam: You’re not gonna believe his crap, are you Mike? If we walk in there we’re dead.

Michael: We’re going to have to play the game his way, Sam. It’s the only plan we have. But just in case, Fi, can you get us a T-90?

Fiona: A T-90?! That’s a Russian tank. I have a friend who is an ex-KGB agent who just happens to live in Miami. He keeps an operational T-90 in his backyard and he owes me a favor. I’ll give him a call. What are you going to do with it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): I have a plan.

Michael’s Voice Over:

It’s quite common for an enemy to extend his hand to greet you, only to have that same hand pull you in close and stick a knife in your back with the other hand. The other hand that was holding the knife. Hidden from your view because he had that other hand behind his back. Or underneath his jacket.

The trick is to let them think you don’t know about the knife, and to show up to the meeting with something deadlier. Much deadlier.

(Scene change, Sam is hiding in the bushes outside Best Buy holding the A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle. Michael approaches.)

Michael: Good, you’re in place.

Sam: I don’t know what you’ve got planned, Mike, but I haven’t used a 577 since I left Indonesia. And did I mention I left Indonesia with a huge hole in it?

Michael: We can’t take any chances. These guys are too organized. They even have their own police force called the Geek Squad. You see those police vehicles down there. When the shit hits the fan, I want those vehicles destroyed.

Sam: Well, this is the rifle to do it. But where is Fi?

Michael: I’ve got a special plan for her. (Michael puts on his sunglasses) I’m heading in.

(Michael enters Best Buy in slow-mo wearing his yellow suit. He approaches the customer service counter and removes his sunglasses.)

Michael (leaning towards the employee behind the counter): Your boss Ted Arnold sent me here. He said I can return this for cash. (Michael places the bag containing the CD and the receipt on the counter.)

(The employee picks up the CD and looks at it. She then looks at the receipt. She turns her attention to Michael and smiles at him.)

Employee: No problem sir. I just need the credit card used to purchase this CD.

Michael: Well that sounds like a problem to me.

Michael (speaking into his bluetooth ear piece): Fi, it’s a go.

(Scene cuts to a wall inside Best Buy with a tank crashing through it. Fiona is in the tank and she starts blowing up merchandise in slow-mo. Customers start running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts to Sam outside, blowing up Geek Squad vehicles. Customers are running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts back to Michael in front of the now very scared customer service employee.)

Michael: So do you still need to see my credit card?

Employee: There’s nothing I can do. The tank took out our power, the registers aren’t even working. I can’t open them.

Michael (pointing a gun at the employee’s head): Does this help, you dirty child enslaving dirtbag?

Employee (with a confused but scared look on her face): I’ve got some money in my purse. I could give it to you.

(The employee tries to move toward the purse, but Michael shoots her in the leg.)

Employee: You shot me in the leg. I’m just trying to get my purse.

Michael: I just wanted to make sure the purse was all you got. It’s a flesh wound, you’ll live. Now get your purse and give me the money.

(The employee grabs her purse and throws her wallet to Michael in slow-mo. He looks inside and pulls out a small wad of cash. He puts it in his jacket pocket. In slow-mo he puts his sunglasses back on and walks through the devastated building.)

(Scene change to abandoned warehouse. Ted is lying dead, still tied to the chair. Pete is tied to another chair.)

Pete: What the fuck, dudes? Why did you kidnap me? All I wanted was a ride to Best Buy. (Pete, turning his head.) Oh my fucking god, is that guy dead?

Michael: We said we’d take care of your problem and help your kid. We got your money back, plus some extra for your kid. It’s about $48.

Pete: Are you the crazy fucks who blew up the Best Buy?! I heard about it on the radio. You guys did all that for 48 bucks?! You fuckers are crazy.

Fiona: I know this was hard for you, but we never do it for the money. We did it for your kid. He, or maybe she, can really use the money.

Pete: My kid? I haven’t seen that brat in years? My bitch ex-wife left me and won’t let me see him because I don’t pay child support.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam all look at each other knowingly.)

(Scene change to outside of warehouse. Sam, Fiona, and Michael are exiting the building in slow-mo.)

Sam: Well, that’s another case all wrapped up.

Fiona: Not quite yet. (Fiona pulls out her cell phone and presses a key. The entire warehouse explodes in slow-mo from multiple camera angles.)

Michael: I’ve got to leave; I have a meeting with someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Unknown Voice: Mr. Weston. It’s time we met. I’m someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned you. Meet me at the dry cleaners on South Leroy. Come alone.

(Close up shot on Michael with a concerned look on his face. He puts sunglasses on. Takes them off again. Looks at sunglasses. Realizes he took his mother’s sunglasses by mistake. He puts them back on and smiles.)

(Fade to black.)

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Featuring the best features ever featured!

I’ve been looking into buying a new lawn tractor since I broke the frame on my old one for the second time. It was a very low end L-Series Deere designed for mowing pristine lawns, not rough terrain.

So I’m looking at the X500 series from John Deere, specifically, the X530. I can’t help but laugh at the “Features” is has:

Versatility and premium features for great performance with larger equipment

Don’t tell me it’s versatile, explain to me how it’s versatile. And are you seriously telling me one of its “features” is its “premium features”?!

Modern styling is eye-appealing and functional

You’re telling me what I can see in the picture?!

Engine is smooth-running and reliable V-twin air-cooled design

Well, I’m glad it’s one of those newfangled “smooth-running” motors. Now that’s a feature I’m looking for.

Fuel tank has a large, 4.5-gallon capacity

A “large” 4.5 gallon tank, as opposed to a small 4.5 gallon tank? It reminds me of a great t-shirt slogan: “2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.”

Hydrostatic transaxle has traction assist

Well, I did learn something from this. I figured out the difference between a transmission and a transaxle is that a transaxle is a transmission combined with a rear differential.

Twin Touch™ foot control is easy to use and has cruise control

Finally, something useful. Cruise control. I never would have guessed that a riding lawn mower would have cruise control. I usually just drive full blast and let God sort it out. Now I can slow down in case there’s a cop around. (The X530 does go over 7 mph!)

Power steering gives easy turns

Power steering is nice. However, telling me that power steering “gives easy turns” seems like you’re talking down to me. I’m not an idiot. I know what power steering is supposed to do.

Front axle and wheel spindles are heavy duty

I’d certainly hope so.

Frame is formed from heavy-duty steel and welded for reliability

Welded, you say? Gorilla tape wasn’t good enough, Mr Fancypants?!

CargO Mount™ system is heavy duty for easy installation of a variety of equipment

Yippie, more toys to buy!

Two headlights give excellent visibility

Two headlights? Fancy!

Operator station is comfortable and convenient

Wow, these guys think of everything. And to think for all these years I’ve been using an uncomfortable and inconvenient operator station, like a sucker!

Controls are easy to find and convenient to use

Didn’t you guys just tell me that? And more importantly, shouldn’t that be obvious?

Exact Adjust ports and on-board deck-leveling gauge make precise deck adjustments easy

Does anyone make a lawn tractor that does not include deck leveling? Isn’t that sort of like advertising adjustable seats in a car or truck?

Reverse implement option (RIO) allows mowing while backing up if deemed necessary

This one is my favorite. They take away the ability to mow in reverse, then give it back to us after we perform some complicated maneuver in the easy to find and convenient control panel.

Electric power take-off (PTO) clutch is easy and convenient to use

Once again, why would it be otherwise?!

54-in. Edge™ Xtra deck cuts clean and has rotatable wheels for easy installation

Rotatable wheels. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

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(Alleged) Dumb Criminal of the Week

According to news reports a woman by the name of Paula R. Ferdkoff was being harrassed by a mother of a 14 year old girl. Because of the harassment, Miss Ferdkoff called the police.

Bad idea.

You see, the reason the mother was calling and harassing Miss Ferdkoff was because Miss Ferdkoff (allegedly) used the 14 year old daughter to produce child porn.

The police spoke to the mother, found out what happened, and then arrested Miss Ferdkoff on child pornography charges.

Sometimes (alleged) criminals make it so darned easy for the police.

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Liquid Pizza

Pennsylvania has a statute which reads:

Whoever intentionally throws, shoots, drops or causes to be propelled any solid object, from an overpass or any other location adjacent to or on a roadway, onto or toward said roadway shall be guilty of a misdemeanor of the second degree.

So a guy threw a piece of pizza at a car hitting it in the windshield. His attorney argued that a piece of pizza didn’t meet the statute. That really annoyed the judge. Here’s his ruling in relevant and hilarious part:

Matter normally exists as a solid, a liquid, or a gas. In the solid phase, the molecules are closely bound to one another by molecular forces, A solid holds its shape, and the volume of a solid is fixed by the shape of the solid. In the liquid phase, the molecular forces are weaker than in a solid. A liquid will take the shape of its container with a free surface in a gravitational field. In the gas phase, the molecular forces are very weak, a gas fills its container, taking both the shape and the volume of the container. NASA, Phases of Matter, Glenn Research Center (September 9, 2010).

Using personal funds, I bought some pizza in order to test its physical properties. The first thing I noticed is that it came in a box (a.k.a. container). It was resting in the bottom of the container, held in place by gravity, and did not take up the shape or full volume of the container. I therefore concluded it was not a gas. My next experiment was to attempt to slice the pizza into six pieces because I was not hungry enough to eat eight pieces. I observed that the slicing process actually produced six separate and distinct pieces which did not re-form to take on the shape of the bottom of the container. I therefore concluded it was not a liquid. My next experiment was to attempt to pick up one of the slices and eat it. I observed that the slice of pizza retained its basic shape, although it did droop a bit at the end. Further, I was able to bite off one piece which required some chewing before I could swallow it. I put the remainder on top of a paper towel and observed that it stayed in place, did not spill onto my desk, and held its shape (less one bite). I therefore concluded that it was a solid.

The judge was so annoyed at the attorney’s argument that he also suggested imposing sanctions at a later date. Let’s hope he follows through with that suggestion.

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Microsoft’s Bing does not read minds

Microsoft has a new advertisement about its search engine Bing. The ad has two guys shopping. One guy asks the other guy whether they should get salsa. The other guy starts talking about salsa dancing.

The point of the ad is that language is ambiguous. And due to that ambiguity, internet searches can be filled with irrelevant results.

The selling point of the ad is that somehow Bing cuts through the ambiguity inherent in language and somehow “knows” what you’re really searching for.

My hypothesis is that Microsoft has developed mind reading technology. To test that hypothesis I’ve decided to do three searches of the word “salsa.” During the first search I’ll think about how delicious salsa is to eat. During the second search I’ll think about how sexy salsa dancers are. And during the last search I’ll think about pink elephants. Here we go….

Ok, I’m back. I did the three searches and got the exact same results each time.

As you can see, Bing did not read my mind. Despite the fact that I was thinking about salsa to eat and sexy salsa dancers, I got results about bicycles. What’s up with that?! What does bicycles have to do with eating salsa or sexy salsa dancers?! And not once did I get any results about a pink elephant eating salsa or a sexy pink salsa dancing elephant.

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Christians Win – Tollboth Operators Cannot Celebrate Christmas in Florida

Because of complaints from Christians, the Florida Department of Transportation has determined that its tollbooth operators cannot celebrate Christmas while in their booths.

So why did Christians want to keep Christmas out of the tollbooths? Well, they didn’t. But they got exactly what they asked for.

You see, they originally complained about tollbooth operators putting up Halloween decorations. So the Florida Department of Transportation did a favor for those who are easily offended and banned all holiday celebrations in tollbooths. Merry fucking Christmas, indeed.

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Joke of the Week

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A philosopher, a mathematician, and an engineer were asked, “When will the girls and boys meet?”

The philosopher said: “Never.”

The mathematician said: “In an infinite amount of time.”

The engineer said: “Well… in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

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Are Ladies’ Nights discriminatory?

A man won a lawsuit in Minnesota where he alleged illegal gender discrimination for being forced to pay a cover charge at a bar which was holding a Ladies’ Night.

On the surface it would appear to be an open and shut case of gender discrimination. Imagine if a bar held a Whitey’s Night and had no cover for white people. That would certainly be outrageous.

However, is the purpose of ladies’ night to exclude men? Not at all. The purpose of a ladies’ night is the exact opposite. It’s to give men an incentive to attend the bar. The bar owners are not discriminating against men, they’re helping men get laid by increasing the ratio of liquored-up women to men.

The problem is that this could be used to exclude men. For example, a lesbian bar might have a “womyn’s night” to ensure that straight men aren’t allowed in. And it would also be unfair to gay men who would have to pay the cover without the benefit of having extra women around. So overall, maybe this decision is a good one.

Still, if you’re looking to get laid at bar in Minnesota, it’s just got a little more difficult.

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Cruel and Unusual?

I thought of a great way to kill someone slowly, painfully, and cruelly. The old concrete shoes trick is just too boring. People die from drowning all the time. Drawn and quartered? Too quick. Starvation? It happens all the time.

The person should be stripped completely naked, taken deep into the Amazon rain forest, securely hung from a tree by his feet, his hands securely handcuffed behind his back, his body covered with copious amounts of honey, and then left alone.

In a perfect world Dick Cheney would die in this manner.

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I’ll never understand women

One night a female friend and I were lying around not doing anything in particular. We were just wasting time talking about everything and anything. Suddenly the tone of her voice got serious. She asked:

Do you know what would really make me happy?

My mind started racing about all the great things in my life that made me happy. Being a poor college student I thought about how happiness doesn’t come from the stuff we buy, but from enjoying what life gives you and what we make of it.

My mind never could have guessed her answer:

Matching furniture.

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