I’ve started including my Google Voice number when selling stuff on CL, but the responses have not improved.

Some guy texted me:

Intereated in cl post

And then texted me again:

Carvin

I should point out that this guy is real. I searched for his number on CL and he has a history of buying and selling.

So anyway, he’s interested. How am I supposed to respond to that?

Should I respond and tell him that I’m interested in selling? Nope, he already knows that. That’s why I placed the ad in the first place.

Should I respond and tell him about what I’m selling? Nope, I included all of that information in my ad.

Once again, how am I supposed to respond? I couldn’t think of anything, so I didn’t.

Sometimes I can’t help but think I’m an alien living on this planet, because for the life of me I can’t understand the thought processes of normal people. What was this guy thinking when he texted me? If I’m lucky, maybe he’ll stop texting and I’ll never have to find out.

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These speakers are very loud and sound great! They are in excellent condition as well! I am selling the speakers with a GSX3 amp and all the cords and mic too. The amp will not be sold separately but i will consider selling the speakers separately.

So if he does end up selling the speakers separately, does that mean he’ll refuse to sell the amp?

Heck, maybe he loves the amp, but his wife wanted it out of the house, and this is his way to ensure keeping it…

I tried selling the amp dear, but no one would buy it. By the way, I’m going to need to buy some new speakers to go with that amp.

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I CANT PLAY THIS IT COMES WITH HAND BOOK AND NICE CASE IN TOON AND IN EXLENT SHAPE.

I’m not a grammar Nazi, so I’ll leave most of this alone. The part I’ll focus as is that fact that the guitar is in tune.

Previously I’ve criticized sellers who advertise that their guitars come with picks or new strings. Those aren’t actually selling points. People don’t buy guitars because they need picks or strings. Real guitar players already have picks spread throughout their house and generally buy strings in bulk via Amazon or the like.

The same is true with a guitar being in tune. Guitarists know that a guitar being in tune is only temporary. The minute you take it outside in the cold or heat and transport it to your house, it will be out of tune again. Claiming that the guitar is in tune is simply asinine and shows your complete ignorance about what you’re trying to sell.

And furthermore, on a side note. Any First Act brand instrument is a toy. Don’t waste musician’s time trying to sell toys in the music section of craigslist. Sell them in the toy section where they belong. Over there some ignorant mom would be ecstatic that the toy guitar you’re selling is in tune.

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I’ve been jonesing for a tube amp for several months. I’ve used solid state amps for decades because they’re more reliable for gigs. But now that I’m not playing any gigs, and will never play a gig in the foreseeable future, I really want a tube amp. Particularly, a 50 or 100 watt combo with 2 12″ speakers.

Anyway, this guy from my hometown is selling a pretty awesome tube combo amp. I emailed him expressing interest and asked for some pictures. His response:

“Not to sound rash but, it looks like an egnater tourmaster.”

I again asked for a picture and wrote back,

I’m not going to drive to someone’s house to buy something without seeing a picture of it first.

He responded,

Im at work so it’s kinda hard to take a picture of it. And last a picture is really a waste.

I responded back,

You’ve seen the amp. You know it looks great. You know there are no tears or dents or missing knobs or whatever. But I’ve never seen it. Your faith in your amp means nothing to me. I’d never show up to buy something used without first seeing some detailed pictures.

His response was classic ad hominem:

You probably can’t even play all that good anyway. Sound like you should get one of those starter amps from walmart. Do you even know how to bias a tube amp

I wrote back:

Calm down. You’ve lost this buyer. But if you’re polite the next time, maybe you’ll make a sale.

Now maybe the guy was having a bad day. Maybe his wife left him and his truck wouldn’t start. But I wonder if he’ll ever sell that amp with his piss poor attitude!

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Well, today I got a call from someone who’s interested in buying something I was selling. And despite the fact that he’s not a spammer (unless he’s a spammer with a lot of time on his hands, to call every seller individually) he was completely clueless about what I was selling.

He started asking me questions with the prefix, “Your ad didn’t say, so…” Well, my ad did say so in excruciating detail. So I responded back, “Well, my ad said….” and then answered his question. After a few of these questions, all of which could have been answered if he had simply read my posting, he said he had to talk to his wife and he’d get back with me.

Maybe some of those earlier emails were actually from legitimate, but illiterate, buyers.

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The Giant Runts
Western Steel (Country Metal, of course!)
Rock Hen
Sit Down Dolly (This might make a better album title)
The Polish Chickens
Devil Spreader
The Sugar Beets (Imagine an all girl pop-country band.)
Stud Service
The Silkie Chicks!!!! (Yes, the exclamation points were in the original.)
Gravity Wagon
Raw Honey
The Meat Chicks
Tons of Rocks
Corn Buffer
Goat Blower
Super A
Automatic Chainsaw
Grain Head
The Other Perennials
Chicken Frizzle (or Frizzle Chicken, they’re both good.)
The Straw Bale Berries
Buckskin Filly or Sooty and the Buckskin Fillies
5 Horse Slant or the Horse Slant 5
The Showgirl Silkies
Gravity Box

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If you sell something on Craigslist you’ll get spambot emails in response. And since they’re routed through Craigslist’s system, you can’t trace their IP addresses to see if they’re local. Luckily, some of them are so poorly written and conceived they’re easy to spot.

Take this one, for example:

Good morning! My name is Lucas.Buford-tomyw . When can I come and see it? Regards. zlzmdl hwakmo epmyvc dwgptnaux klttyqni pshctot jbpc jilzckw dnfhiw vhek foixefh tgsuie jhic

What’s up with all the gibberish? That’s a pretty clear indication that it’s from a spambot.

And what’s up with the name “Lucas.Buford-tomyw.” In what culture is it acceptable to put a period in the middle of your name? And who has the last name of tomyw?

Here’s a different one:

Hello, how are you doing today? Please, what is the availability of
your posted ad presently, its condition and the final price to pick it
up? Thank you.

R. Alvin.

There’s no gibberish. The name is sort of normal, although Alvin is usually a first name.

The problem with the second one is that the writer/bot doesn’t understand how Americans actually write and talk. We don’t ask about the “availability of your posted ad presently.” We ask, “Is it still available?”

Also asking about the condition was weird considering that I wrote in excruciating detail about the condition in my ad, along with detailed pictures. It’s pretty clear that who/whatever sent the email never read my ad.

And once again, asking about the “final price to pick it up” is weird. Most ads already give a price. It’s one thing to email and offer a counter price. But it makes no sense to read an ad with a price and then ask for the price again in an email.

In a way, the first email is much better. The first one is basically “my name is X and when can I come and see it.” It’s very direct and doesn’t raise any weird flags. I probably would have responded to that one if it wasn’t for the odd name and gibberish.

I just renewed my ad so I got yet another spam.

It’s lovely…I wanna purchase.
Sent from my iPhone4

Now that would have been a great response if I was selling a bracelet. But I’m selling a riding lawn mower. Riding lawn mowers are not lovely. Clearly who or whatever sent the email did not read my ad.

And who says, “I wanna purchase” without also including a phone number or some other means or time of contact? People who “wanna purchase” make it easy for the seller to get back in touch with them.

And the last clue was the email. Her name is allegedly Tiffany Heistand, but her email address is tssbnddd@gmail.com. The email address is clearly a randomly created user name, perfect for use with spam bots.

Update – 9/28/11:

I got another doozy:

How are you? My name is Malone.Tyree_8862 . Is your add correct? Thanks. ouvvyf eadw napo mvuuma lxrg rngoh ydybly fohtm bgsvm prekpo rqcisir tkjgazm uvmkftb iqrsgzym msgvm ry

Your name is Malone.Tyree_8862?! Really? Your name has a period, an underline, and some numbers?!

What possible reason do you think my “add” is incorrect? Are you talking about some addition I did? Funny, I don’t remember doing any addition in my ad.

What’s up with all the gibberish?! Why do spammers do that?

Update – 10/01/11:

Where is it?

Thank you, Efren Bracy

You want to know where it is? Have you tried reading my fucking ad?!

Still up for sale and in good condition?

Mmm…. I specifically wrote on the top of the ad: If it is posted here it is still for sale! Do not email me asking if it is still for sale.

I also explained in my ad in excruciating detail the condition of what I was selling.

Do CL sellers really fall for this crap?!

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Fender Bass Guitar & Amp (XXXX)

Call XXX XXX XXXX for details or to make an offer. Please call, not email.

Really?! What model of bass? Is it a low end Squire? A high end Jazz? Is it a classic bass from the 60s? Something you just bought new?

How many watts is the amp? Is it a bass amp? What’s the size of the speaker?

How about a price? If I’m looking for a cheap bass and amp, it might be worth it to call. But, no.

In a nutshell… why the fuck would I call you to make an offer when I know absolutely nothing of relevance about what you are selling?!

Well, in answer to my own question, apparently the internet does cause stupidity. Here’s a different post from the next day:

bass amp (XXXXX)

would like a bass amp for my aqustic

You know you’re officially “old” when you first realize that the young aren’t fit to take their turn running the world.

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EVERYTHING’S FREE!!!
Furniture!
Clothes!
Books!
Toys!
We’re giving it away, so come take it away!
Saturday, May 28th, 10am-2pm, No Early Birds, Please!
XXX Evergreen Ave, XXX

The ad was changed. An earlier ad had an 8 am start time.

Guess what happened? People showed up at 8 am and stripped her house nearly clean.

A few days later she posted this ad

Due to miscommunication and confusion over start time, many items were taken that were not meant to be free.
PLEASE return the following items as soon as possible if you have them:

Lawnmower and garden hose (these belong to the landlord)
Comforter set,
Mens clothes from upstairs,
Tools
ANYTHING from upstairs.

Please be honest and return these things

As I said recently, maybe there is a God. And maybe he has a wicked sense of humor.

BTW, I previously wrote about the legalities involved with keeping something someone mistakenly gave you.

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