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You Can’t Get There From Here

I saw a confused guy in his late 20s walking in the hallway on the third floor. He walked right past a double set of elevators and past two doors, each with huge lighted signs above them saying “Exit,” each with second signs saying “Stairway,” and each with huge windows through which you can clearly see the stairways.

As he passed the first door, the double set of elevators, and the second door, he looked right at them as if he was looking for a particular place.

Since he looked confused, I asked him.

You seem lost, can I help you find something?

He replied, quite perturbed,

I’m just trying to find a way back to the first floor!

I replied back,

Well, you might want to try that door (pointing at the door) or the elevators (pointing at the elevators).

He stood silent and still confused. I continued,

This door right here has stairs that will take you downstairs or the elevators right there will take you downstairs.

Still perturbed he turned, opened the door, and walked down the stairs. I honestly expected him to walk up the stairs. Really, I did.

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No, No, No… er, what?

An attorney was in telling me about a trial he had. The plaintiff, the person who filed the lawsuit, was obnoxious on the stand. He replied “no” to every question.

The attorney, who represented the person being sued, decided to have some fun with the plaintiff. He asked a series of rapid-fire questions to which the plaintiff replied, “no.” For the last rapid-fire question the attorney took a copy of the plaintiff’s complaint, turned it to the signature line and asked,

Is this your signature?

No.

I want you to review this document, is this your signature?

I said “no.”

Your honor, I move to dismiss this case.

The judge, who was also annoyed with the plaintiff’s obnoxious behavior replied,

Granted. Case dismissed.

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Who Watches the Watchers?

A father and son duo were arrested breaking into a building. At their plea the judge asked why they decided to break into this particular building:

We were on our neighborhood watch and noticed no one was inside.

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F&A!

The secretary called an attorney on a case. His client’s name is F&J, Inc. She called him and asked,

What are you doing on your F&J motion?

Those of us listening all giggled. The attorney told us later that for a few seconds he thought,

What the fuck is a “J” motion?

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The Destination is the Journey

I live in a rather small city. Small enough that most people rarely get to ride in elevators. Accordingly, we have a lot of etiquette problems relating to elevators.

For example, there are people who hold elevator doors for others who are not even close to being ready to get on. E.g., the people we’re waiting for are not even in the building yet. There are people who push and shove their way onto elevators slowing down the whole process. It’s simple people, the elevator is not going anywhere until those who want off get off. The longer that takes, the longer you’ll wait.

But this one from a secretary across the hall is just bizarre.

She entered the building on the first floor and hit the up button on the elevator. It immediately opened, which indicates it was already on the first floor.

She walked in and noticed a guy, in his early 30s, already standing there. He said,

I don’t think this elevator is working. It’s not going anywhere.

She looked over at the buttons and noticed that none of them have been pushed.

Did you push any of the buttons?

No answer.

You’ve got to push a button to make it go up.

No response.

What floor do you want?

I don’t know.

Where are you going?

I don’t know.

What do you need to do here today?

I don’t know.

We’ll, I’m going to the third floor. Let’s go there.

She got off on three and left him on the elevator with no other buttons pushed. The door closed behind her and she never saw him again.

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Voir Dumb

Voir Dire is a part of the jury selection process where attorneys and the judge get to ask questions of the jurors to determine if they can be fair and impartial in deciding the case.

Fourteen jurors are temporarily selected and are asked questions directly. The remaining pool of jurors remain seated in the audience portion of the courtroom and are directed to listen to the questions, but are only allowed to respond if they are called upon.

A juror was called from the pool and was asked by the Judge, “Did you hear the questions we asked of the previous jurors?”

Juror: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “Did you hear any question that made you want to raise your hand and respond?”

Juror: “Yes, your honor.”

Judge: “Which one?”

The juror looked back and forth at his hands and replied, “The right one, your honor.”

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Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

We had a hearing for a defendant who had violated the terms of his probation by failing to report to his probation agent. The judge asked why he stopped reporting to his agent. This conversation ensued:

Defendant (Strongly): “Your honor, my agent told me if I paid my restitution I wouldn’t have to report no more. So I stopped reporting.”

Judge: “So, did you pay your restitution?”

Defendant (Sheepishly): “No.”

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Punch and Judy, P.C.

This prisoner wrote to a judge, who was his attorney at his criminal trial, the following,

And the issue that you abandoned me at trial when you let me be set before the jury like that without objection, without challenge, not protecting my interests at all.”

He later told the judge to,

…let bygones by bygones.”

A lot of defendants blame their attorneys for their convictions and sentences. But there was something odd about what this defendant wrote. What did he mean by sitting in front of the jury “like that”? What bygones must be bygoned? So I did a little digging to find out what the real story was.

The real story is that during the trial, outside the presence of the jury, the defendant punched his attorney (who is now a judge, but is not the judge who currently oversees his case.)

The judge who presided over the trial made the defendant sit in shackles during the remainder of the trial to keep him from striking his attorney again. Apparently, and quite intelligently, his trial attorney did not object to that.

So let’s go through this. The guy commits a violent crime. During his trial, in front of both the prosecutor and the judge, he commits another violent crime against his attorney. And because of his second crime, he’s forced to proceed through his trial wearing shackles.

Do you hear it? It’s the sound of the world’s tiniest violin not giving a damn.

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A Life Sentence Is But An Illusion

A prisoner wrote the judge asking for sympathy and to be released early from prison. He complained that,

I have served a life sentence of 22 years. I have lost everything I have ever known or loved.

Later he wrote,

I’ve served a life sentence sir. What more debt do I owe in your opinion?

Mmmmm… where to begin…

First, why do prisoners such as yourself seriously think that judges can release you from prison based upon mere letters? Judge have a lot of power, but they still have to act within the law.

Second, obviously the debt you owe is the completion of your sentence.

Which leads us to third, if you are still alive you have not completed your fucking life sentence. Write us back when you’re dead, and the judge will gladly consider releasing you.

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The Constitution Does Not Give You The Right To Commit Crimes

A woman and her son’s attorney were arguing in the hallway. The son was facing 25 years but he was offered a deal where he’d serve no more than 10. The attorney was trying to talk his client into taking a plea deal but the mom didn’t like it.

The attorney argued that it was his job to get her son the best deal he could. The mom argued that it was his job to get him off. The attorney argued,

How can I get him off? He’s guilty. They have three witnesses who saw him. When the police arrested him the next day he was carrying the same gun. He doesn’t have a defense. What kind of story could I tell the jury to get him off?

The mom screamed back,

It’s your job to come up with a story to get him off.

Criminal defendants in the US have Constitutional rights. These rights put limits on what the police can do, on what evidence can be used, on who has the burden of proof, on who will judge the facts, and most importantly, they give access to a court appointed attorney.

It’s is quite common in TV dramas and movies that defendants routinely get off on technicalities and that criminal defense attorneys are adept at manipulating facts to make even the guiltiest person look innocent. However, in the real world, most guilty people who go to trial are convicted. (And in the vast majority of instances guilty people simply plea.)

However, there still exists a belief among some people that the Constitution is some sort of magic pill that will simply make criminal charges disappear.

The Constitution does not give criminal defendants a right to a defense. It does not give criminal defendants a right to commit crimes and get away with them. Our Constitutional protections are intended to make the process fair and to keep the powers of the state in check. Nothing more.

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