logictortured.com Blog

Christmas on Venus and Mars

January 10, 2012 on 9:29 pm | In General, Old Curmudgeon | No Comments

A woman wrote “Ask Amy” for advice concerning her husband. The wife complains that she does all the preparations for Christmas and her husband does nothing. She wants to quit and let her husband suffer the consequences.

I find it hilarious that men are supposed to know that men and women view things differently, but women expect men to view things the exact same way they do.

Let’s imagine if this woman carries out her threat. You know what will happen? Nothing.

The wife will complain that if she doesn’t do the baking, there will be no Christmas cookies and crumpets. However, if her husband really wanted Christmas baked goods, he’d simply buy some.

I’m sure the wife will complain that the Christmas cards wouldn’t get sent out if her husband was in charge. And she’s absolutely right. But the thing is, we don’t give a fuck about cards. If we want to wish someone holiday cheer, we’ll wish them that cheer when we see them, in a phone call, or a text, or whatever. We see no need to send out a bunch of cards.

And speaking of cards, I’m sure the wife will complain that the thank you cards wouldn’t be mailed out. Once again, she’d be right. But also once again, the husband wouldn’t give a fuck. You know who came up with the byzantine rules of etiquette such as sending thank you cards? Those rules were created back in the 1800s by wealthy women who didn’t work and had servants, so they spent their free time making up stupid rules.

If a man wants to thank someone for giving him a gift, he’ll say, “Thanks.” If it was mailed to him, the next time he sees or texts him he’ll say, “Thanks.”

And of course the wife will complain that unless she does it, the Christmas decorations will never be put up or taken down. Once again, she’s probably right. But men don’t care about the vast majority of stuff the woman put up. Other than the tree, men want their house just like it is the rest of the year. And we only want a tree if there are young kids in the house.

And saving the best for last, the wife will complain that without her, the presents will not get bought. Note to women. You’ve turned gift giving into a spectator sport. The act of buying gifts and creating a presentation with the gift is more important than the giving. If men want to buy someone something, “Oh, dad would really like this,” we’ll just buy it for him. We might pay to get it wrapped, if it’s for a chick, otherwise we’ll just give it unwrapped. It’s about giving someone you love something they’ll love. Not about outdoing what everyone else is doing.

And sure the gift list will be a lot smaller with the husband in charge, but ladies, we simply have no desire to buy presents just because. Especially for people we never see or don’t give a fuck about.

In a nutshell, the real reason the wife spends so much time preparing for Christmas is because she wants to. She likes looking for “just the right Christmas card.” Spending time looking for “just the right family picture” to include the the card. Spending time baking “just the right cookies” for the holidays. Spending time shopping to get “just the right gift” for someone she has not actually seen in years.

She’s deluding herself by thinking she’s doing it for her husband’s benefit. She’s doing it for herself. And if she no longer enjoys doing it, stop. It’s really that simple.

Sure we sit around a lot in the winter and watch a lot of football or basketball. But there’s a good reason for it, that’s what we like to do. As I said, you guys like going to shop. We like staying in and watching TV.

Furthermore, it’s not like men sit on their asses all winter. We’re the ones who shoveled the driveway, started up the wife’s car to get it warm, and scraped all the car’s windows so the wife could get her car out of the driveway to do her Christmas shopping. Of course we do have an ulterior motive other than keeping her safe: Keeping her out of our hair while we watch sports.