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You Can’t Get There From Here

December 27, 2011 on 9:08 pm | In Courtroom Conversations, General | No Comments

I saw a confused guy in his late 20s walking in the hallway on the third floor. He walked right past a double set of elevators and past two doors, each with huge lighted signs above them saying “Exit,” each with second signs saying “Stairway,” and each with huge windows through which you can clearly see the stairways.

As he passed the first door, the double set of elevators, and the second door, he looked right at them as if he was looking for a particular place.

Since he looked confused, I asked him.

You seem lost, can I help you find something?

He replied, quite perturbed,

I’m just trying to find a way back to the first floor!

I replied back,

Well, you might want to try that door (pointing at the door) or the elevators (pointing at the elevators).

He stood silent and still confused. I continued,

This door right here has stairs that will take you downstairs or the elevators right there will take you downstairs.

Still perturbed he turned, opened the door, and walked down the stairs. I honestly expected him to walk up the stairs. Really, I did.

Burn Notice – Return for the Kill

December 22, 2011 on 2:35 am | In Humor, Satire / Sarcasm | No Comments

(Scene opens with Sam, Michael, and Fiona at Michael’s loft. Sam is drinking a mojito. Michael is eating yogurt. Fiona is cleaning an automatic submachine gun.)

Fiona: Michael, any news on the people who burned you?

Michael: I’m supposed to get a call from someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me.

Sam: Mike, while we wait for that, (Sam rolls his eyes), I want you to meet someone, he has a problem.

Michael: What kind of problem?

Sam: Someone has his money and he needs us to get it back.

Fiona: Can’t we just put a bullet in this creep’s head?

Sam: Calm down Fi, let’s talk to him first. We’re meeting him at the bar on Fifth. We can order some more mojitos.

Michael: I’m trying to track down the people who burned me. I can’t get back in until I solve this. I don’t have the time to help every person who comes my way.

Sam: Michael, he has a young child.

(Close up of Michael’s distraught face.)

Michael: Let’s go.

Sam: Well, we don’t have to leave yet, we have a few hours before the meet.

Michael: Look, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to be in charge. We’re going to do this my way.

Sam: Sure Mike, you’re the boss.

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona walk out of Michael’s loft in slow-mo.)

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona pull up to the bar in Michael’s GTO. They get out of the vehicle in slow-mo. The camera pans around to show the neighborhood.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

When meeting a new client, it’s always important to case the area first to uncover any counter-surveillance. Even the smallest clues can give a lot of information. Is that bag lady an agent or just someone down on her luck? Sneaking an explosive in her shopping cart is good insurance either way.

(Scene change, Sam bumps into the bag lady while Fiona crawls under the shopping cart and attaches an explosive device.)

(Scene change, Sam, Michael, and Fiona are sitting at a table at the bar. The table is filled with finished mojitos indicating they’ve been sitting there for hours.)

Sam (Pete approaches the table and sits down): This is my friend Pete. He has a problem.

Michael: I hear someone has your money and you need us to get it back.

Pete: No, what? I just need a ride to Best Buy. I have to return this Guns ‘n Roses CD my mom bought me for my birthday. Sam said you have a car. If it’s a big deal, I could just take the bus.

Michael: Listen Pete, if you want our help we have to do this our way.

(Michael snatches the Best Buy bag from Pete.)

Pete: Hey, you can’t just take my stuff, give it back.

Fiona (cleaning her fingernails with a 7 inch dagger): Pete, we’re professionals. We’ve done this before. You’re going to have to trust us.

Pete (Standing up from the table): Listen, you guys just keep the bag, you’re fucking nuts. Keep the fucking receipt too. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

(Pete leaves the restaurant.)

Sam: I’m sorry about that. The pressure is getting to him.

Michael: It’s OK Sam. He has a young son… or daughter.

Michael: Fi, you’re going to have to get a hold of our money laundering friend, Barry, and give him a copy of this receipt. See if he can trace where the offshore accounts are.

Michael: And Sam, talk to some of your FBI buddies. See if they know anything about this Best Buy syndicate. What’s their market, who’s in charge, and most importantly, who’s their enemy.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam walk out of the restaurant in slow-mo. Michael puts his sunglasses on. Without looking down, Fiona pushes a key on her cell phone. In the background we see the bag lady exploding. They continue walking without flinching.)

(Fiona and Michael are in the front seat of Michael’s car. Sam is in the back seat.)

Sam: I wish we could have kept her alive. I’d like to have tried to get some information out of her.

Michael: With a criminal organization this large, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk to bad guys. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Sam and Fiona knowingly look at each other and smile.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Scene change to Michael’s loft. Michael exits his car in slow-mo and puts his sunglasses on. He enters the loft. He takes his sunglasses off in slow-mo. Fiona and Sam are waiting for him.)

(Inside Michael’s loft. Michael is eating a yogurt. Sam is drinking a beer. Fiona is cleaning a Glock.)

Michael: So Sam, what have you learned about this Best Buy syndicate?

Sam: It’s bad, Mike. Real bad. It’s a cartel that controls the entire electronics industry in Miami and beyond. They’ve slowly been killing off their competition one by one, Circuit City, CompUSA, Fry’s… it’s brutal. Even Apple won’t set up shop in Miami. It’s that bad. The only competition they have is a guy from Detroit. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He runs a chain of electronic stores under the name, Fretter Appliance.

Michael: Any news from Barry, Fi?

Fiona: He says they have accounts everywhere. Canada, Europe, they’re even taking over South America. They get cheap merch from China made by child slave labor and sell it throughout the world.

Fiona: I say we blow the whole place up, like we did in Belgrade.

Michael: They’re too big for that. If we blow up their local hoods, they’ll only send more. I’ve got a better idea. We’ve got to make them want to stay away.

(Fade out to Michael, dressed in a yellow suit, getting out of his car in slow-mo at the Best Buy parking lot.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

There’s two ways to approach a criminal organization. The first is as their friend, the second is as their enemy. While approaching as a friend may seem safer, you run the risk of being turned away. If you approach as an enemy, they have to deal with you. You just have to be prepared for how they decide to deal with you.

(Michael enters the Best Buy in slow-mo and takes off his sunglasses. He looks around. He finds a low level teenage employee and approaches him. Michael grabs the teen and slams him against a display.)

Michael: I need to talk to your boss. Where is he?

Employee: What the fuck, dude? If you don’t let me go I’ll call the cops.

Michael (Pushing the employee against the display): Tell your boss that my boss sent me. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He wants to come down from Detroit and set up shop here in Miami. He hired me to get rid of the competition before he gets here.

(Michael releases his grip on the employee. The employee runs away. Michael walks over to an employee directory hanging on the wall. It has the names of each employee along with photographs. He takes a picture of the directory with his cell phone. He then makes a call.)

Michael (on his cell phone): Fi, I found the local syndicate boss’ name. He’s Ted Arnold. I’m sending you a picture of him. After you track him down, tail him a bit. I want to know where he lives and who he deals with. Have Sam help you.

Fiona: I’ll get right on it. And, Michael, your mother called me. She needs to talk to you.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Sam: Mike, I got Ted’s name from Fi and ran it past my FBI and cop buddies. This guy is good, Mike. He has no record, at all. He’s perfectly clean. Too clean.

Michael: All great criminals have clean records, but those records are always forgeries.

Michael’s Voice Over:

If you’re a criminal and you want to hide your criminal past, it’s a good idea to replace your criminal file with a forged clean file. This fools the police into thinking you’re not a criminal.

Sam: Mike, this guy’s a ghost. But I got a lead, get this; he’s taking dance lessons over at Mariachi’s Dance Studio on Main.

Michael: I’ll meet you over there. I’ve just got to talk to Fi.

(Michael enters Fiona’s house. He takes off his sunglasses. Fiona is cleaning a rifle.)

Michael: Fi, I need a favor from you.

Fiona: What is it?

Michael: I need you to track down an A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle.

Fiona: Mike, that rifle was designed to stop rhinos in their tracks. Why do you need it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): Because I need to bring down a rhino. A criminal rhino.

(Michael and Fiona exit Michael’s car in slow-mo and approach Sam, who is waiting outside the dance studio.)

Sam: This Ted character is inside, “taking a class.” (Sam makes the quotation symbols with his hands.)

Michael: Who else is in there with him?

Sam: I’ve been casing the place for a few hours. (There are three empty bottles of tequila on the hood of Sam’s car.) There are some kids in there, their parents, about five dance teachers, and our Mr. Ted.

Fiona: That’s a lot of people, Michael, maybe I should lay down some C-4 on the exits in case anyone tries to get out.

Michael: Do you have any C-4 and detonators with you?

Fionna (Fiona opens a knapsack to reveal explosives and detonators.): Have we met before? (Fiona rolls her eyes.)

Michael: How long will it take?

Fiona: Give me five minutes.

(Montage scene of Fiona, Sam, and Michael installing the explosives and detonators on the exterior walls of the dance studio. Pounding industrial music plays in the background)

Fiona: Well, that’s it.

Sam: It’s show time Mike.

Michael (putting on his sunglasses): I’m ready.

(Michael, wearing the yellow suit, enters the dance studio in slow-mo.)

Michael (taking off his sunglasses): Which one of you is Ted Arnold?

Ted (the only adult male in the room.): I’m Ted Arnold, can I help you?

Michael: You can help my friend, Ollie, Ollie Fretter. Ollie wants to expand his business out of Detroit. You can help Ollie by getting out of town.

(Michael pulls out his cell phone in slow-mo and pushes a key. Nothing happens. He pushes a different key. The building starts to blow up. Everyone inside starts to run around knowing they only have seconds to live. Fiona hits Ted in the back of his head with the butt of her gun and knocks him out. Sam catches him and puts a black sack over his head.)

(Scene from inside Michael’s GTO’s trunk looking up. Sam, Michael, and Fiona dump Ted’s unconscious body in the trunk. The scene goes to black when the body hits the floor.)

(Scene change. Inside an abandoned warehouse Ted is tied to a chair with the black bag still on his head. Michael pulls off the black bag showing Ted’s bruised, bloodied face.)

Ted: What the fuck is going on?

Michael: I have a friend. You may have heard of him. Ollie, Ollie Fretter. I already told you this back at your hangout. Your former hangout. He’s thinking of expanding his operation from Detroit down to Miami. He wants you out of the way.

Ted: You’ve got me confused with someone else. I don’t deal drugs. I was just taking dance lessons to surprise my wife for our 10th anniversary. I work at Best Buy. I’m a nobody.

Michael (kicking Ted in his chest, knocking him and the chair backwards to the ground): I know drugs aren’t your racket, yet. You deal in electronics. I know all about your Chinese connections and worldwide distribution network. I know how you’ve killed off any and all competitors. I know how you use child slaves for labor. I know nearly everything. The only thing I don’t know is where I can exchange this for cash. (Michael is holding the Best Buy bag. Michael pulls out the CD along with the receipt showing them to Ted.)

Ted: You want to make a return? You want to return something at Best Buy? That’s what this whole thing is about? You killed about five people back at the studio, are you fucking nuts?

Michael: Just tell me what I want to know.

Ted: That’s easy. Just take it to the customer service counter and show them your receipt. They’ll give you the money. No questions asked. I promise.

Michael: Oh yeah, like it’s going to be that easy. I show up to make the return and your boys fill me full of lead. (Michael kicks Ted in the face.)

Ted (spitting out blood and teeth): What are you talking about? We’re a business. We don’t have any guns.

Michael: If you’re lying, I’m coming back to kill you. (Michael turns to leave.)

Ted: Wouldn’t you be dead?

Michael (turning back around and kicking Ted in the face): Yeah, and so will you.

(Michael leaves the warehouse and walks up to Sam and Fiona, who were watching the interrogation on a cell phone.)

Sam: You’re not gonna believe his crap, are you Mike? If we walk in there we’re dead.

Michael: We’re going to have to play the game his way, Sam. It’s the only plan we have. But just in case, Fi, can you get us a T-90?

Fiona: A T-90?! That’s a Russian tank. I have a friend who is an ex-KGB agent who just happens to live in Miami. He keeps an operational T-90 in his backyard and he owes me a favor. I’ll give him a call. What are you going to do with it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): I have a plan.

Michael’s Voice Over:

It’s quite common for an enemy to extend his hand to greet you, only to have that same hand pull you in close and stick a knife in your back with the other hand. The other hand that was holding the knife. Hidden from your view because he had that other hand behind his back. Or underneath his jacket.

The trick is to let them think you don’t know about the knife, and to show up to the meeting with something deadlier. Much deadlier.

(Scene change, Sam is hiding in the bushes outside Best Buy holding the A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle. Michael approaches.)

Michael: Good, you’re in place.

Sam: I don’t know what you’ve got planned, Mike, but I haven’t used a 577 since I left Indonesia. And did I mention I left Indonesia with a huge hole in it?

Michael: We can’t take any chances. These guys are too organized. They even have their own police force called the Geek Squad. You see those police vehicles down there. When the shit hits the fan, I want those vehicles destroyed.

Sam: Well, this is the rifle to do it. But where is Fi?

Michael: I’ve got a special plan for her. (Michael puts on his sunglasses) I’m heading in.

(Michael enters Best Buy in slow-mo wearing his yellow suit. He approaches the customer service counter and removes his sunglasses.)

Michael (leaning towards the employee behind the counter): Your boss Ted Arnold sent me here. He said I can return this for cash. (Michael places the bag containing the CD and the receipt on the counter.)

(The employee picks up the CD and looks at it. She then looks at the receipt. She turns her attention to Michael and smiles at him.)

Employee: No problem sir. I just need the credit card used to purchase this CD.

Michael: Well that sounds like a problem to me.

Michael (speaking into his bluetooth ear piece): Fi, it’s a go.

(Scene cuts to a wall inside Best Buy with a tank crashing through it. Fiona is in the tank and she starts blowing up merchandise in slow-mo. Customers start running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts to Sam outside, blowing up Geek Squad vehicles. Customers are running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts back to Michael in front of the now very scared customer service employee.)

Michael: So do you still need to see my credit card?

Employee: There’s nothing I can do. The tank took out our power, the registers aren’t even working. I can’t open them.

Michael (pointing a gun at the employee’s head): Does this help, you dirty child enslaving dirtbag?

Employee (with a confused but scared look on her face): I’ve got some money in my purse. I could give it to you.

(The employee tries to move toward the purse, but Michael shoots her in the leg.)

Employee: You shot me in the leg. I’m just trying to get my purse.

Michael: I just wanted to make sure the purse was all you got. It’s a flesh wound, you’ll live. Now get your purse and give me the money.

(The employee grabs her purse and throws her wallet to Michael in slow-mo. He looks inside and pulls out a small wad of cash. He puts it in his jacket pocket. In slow-mo he puts his sunglasses back on and walks through the devastated building.)

(Scene change to abandoned warehouse. Ted is lying dead, still tied to the chair. Pete is tied to another chair.)

Pete: What the fuck, dudes? Why did you kidnap me? All I wanted was a ride to Best Buy. (Pete, turning his head.) Oh my fucking god, is that guy dead?

Michael: We said we’d take care of your problem and help your kid. We got your money back, plus some extra for your kid. It’s about $48.

Pete: Are you the crazy fucks who blew up the Best Buy?! I heard about it on the radio. You guys did all that for 48 bucks?! You fuckers are crazy.

Fiona: I know this was hard for you, but we never do it for the money. We did it for your kid. He, or maybe she, can really use the money.

Pete: My kid? I haven’t seen that brat in years? My bitch ex-wife left me and won’t let me see him because I don’t pay child support.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam all look at each other knowingly.)

(Scene change to outside of warehouse. Sam, Fiona, and Michael are exiting the building in slow-mo.)

Sam: Well, that’s another case all wrapped up.

Fiona: Not quite yet. (Fiona pulls out her cell phone and presses a key. The entire warehouse explodes in slow-mo from multiple camera angles.)

Michael: I’ve got to leave; I have a meeting with someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Unknown Voice: Mr. Weston. It’s time we met. I’m someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned you. Meet me at the dry cleaners on South Leroy. Come alone.

(Close up shot on Michael with a concerned look on his face. He puts sunglasses on. Takes them off again. Looks at sunglasses. Realizes he took his mother’s sunglasses by mistake. He puts them back on and smiles.)

(Fade to black.)

Right to Work versus a Right to Contract

December 13, 2011 on 3:13 pm | In General, Law | 2 Comments

My state is considering enacting a Right to Work law. Right to Work, who could be against that?! Everyone should have right to work, how could there even be a downside to that?

Here’s the downside. Right to Work laws conflict with our rights to enter into contracts and have them enforced.

Imagine this. You’re a farmer and you enter into a contract to sell your crop to a buyer for a set price. That gives you piece of mind. You’ll sleep better knowing that when your crops come in, you have a predictable income.

However, when it comes time to sell, the buyer tells you, “I found a cheaper seller.” You tell him, “But we have a contract.” He tells you back, “Sure we do, but this is a Right to Buy state. That means I have the right to buy from whoever I want.”

Any union depends on the right to enter into contracts and having those contracts enforced. The workers get together and negotiate with the employer for wages, hours, working conditions, benefits, etc. The employer can agree, counter-offer, or disagree. However, once a contract is agreed to and signed, both sides have to honor it. The workers have to work and the employer has to pay.

What Right to Work laws do is eliminate any duty on the part of the employer to honor the contract. In a Right to Work state employers can still form unions and enter into contracts with employers, however, the employers can hire workers not bound by the contract.

So, much in the same way my hypothetical buyer can simply ignore the contract and buy from someone cheaper. Employers in Right to Work states can ignore the contract they freely entered into and pay non-union members whatever they want.

I recently wrote that the real purpose behind workers compensation laws is not to help workers, but is to give employers immunity from tort lawsuits. Similarly, the real purpose of Right to Work laws is not to help workers, but is to give employers immunity from the enforcement of contacts entered into with employees.

No, No, No… er, what?

December 8, 2011 on 4:09 pm | In Courtroom Conversations | No Comments

An attorney was in telling me about a trial he had. The plaintiff, the person who filed the lawsuit, was obnoxious on the stand. He replied “no” to every question.

The attorney, who represented the person being sued, decided to have some fun with the plaintiff. He asked a series of rapid-fire questions to which the plaintiff replied, “no.” For the last rapid-fire question the attorney took a copy of the plaintiff’s complaint, turned it to the signature line and asked,

Is this your signature?

No.

I want you to review this document, is this your signature?

I said “no.”

Your honor, I move to dismiss this case.

The judge, who was also annoyed with the plaintiff’s obnoxious behavior replied,

Granted. Case dismissed.

Who Watches the Watchers?

December 5, 2011 on 8:41 pm | In Courtroom Conversations | No Comments

A father and son duo were arrested breaking into a building. At their plea the judge asked why they decided to break into this particular building:

We were on our neighborhood watch and noticed no one was inside.

Succeeding through failure

December 5, 2011 on 7:55 pm | In Logic, Sports | No Comments

I was reading about Michigan’s selection to play in the Sugar Bowl this year.

In a nutshell, Michigan’s BCS standing dropped from 15th to 16th so the only way they could attend a good bowl game would be if some better teams lost.

The article stated that the players were watching various key games over the weekend rooting for Georgia and Oklahoma to lose.

“We watched probably every game we could possibly watch throughout the day,” said Koger, who watched the games at linebacker Kenny Demens’ house. “J.B. Fitzgerald was just so negative throughout the day.

In the end, the right teams lost and Michigan was ensured a spot to play in the Sugar Bowl.

A series of favorable outcomes ensured that wouldn’t happen. The Wolverines rose three spots in the final standings, finishing at 13th and punching their ticket to New Orleans.

Man oh man I just love this quote:

“It just kind of re-establishes what this team has been able to do and how far we’ve come, especially with the expectations we had coming into the season,” Van Bergen said.

WTF? The fact that other teams serendipitously lost “re-establishes” what Michigan has been able to do?! Michigan, you didn’t get into a bowl game based upon what you did. You got into a bowl games based on the failure of others!

How I got a great deal on a trumpet because of Guitar Center (notice I didn’t say “from“)

December 5, 2011 on 7:07 pm | In General | No Comments

It was a Friday morning and my son needed a student trumpet by the following Monday evening. I decided to try and order from Guitar Center because you can return it to the local store if something goes wrong. Spoiler alert, something went wrong.

On the website I ordered a student trumpet that was marked as “in stock,” but I immediately got an email saying it was back-ordered. I decided to call. I told the sales person that I needed it by Monday so I wanted to pay extra for next-day expedited shipping.

We went through the student trumpets they had in stock and the pickings were slim. I finally found one. It was nearly 600 bucks, much more than I wanted to spend, plus I paid an extra $56 for expedited shipping. But I needed it, so I bit the bullet and bought it.

I got an email confirming it would be delivered Monday. But checking my Guitar Center account showed that it was standard ground shipping. I called and was told that it was a error on the website, it was in fact expedited shipping.

Sure enough, come Monday morning I check UPS’ website and it’s marked as standard ground shipping. I won’t get it until Thursday.

I called up and no one could explain why my shipping was changed from next day expedited to standard ground. Of course they refunded my shipping. But that wasn’t really the point. I really wanted to know how I could specifically tell a salesperson that I needed it by Monday evening and that I needed to pay expedited next-day shipping and he could just ignore me.

Anyway, I ended up going to a pawnshop on my lunch hour and found a great Yamaha student trumpet for $150 bucks. When I finally got the trumpet from Guitar Center, I returned it for a full refund.

So I ended up getting a really good deal on a trumpet, thanks to Guitar Center’s inability to do what I paid them to do. Thanks!

F&A!

December 5, 2011 on 3:09 pm | In Courtroom Conversations | No Comments

The secretary called an attorney on a case. His client’s name is F&J, Inc. She called him and asked,

What are you doing on your F&J motion?

Those of us listening all giggled. The attorney told us later that for a few seconds he thought,

What the fuck is a “J” motion?