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MIT Scientists Create One-Sided Mobius Pizza

Cambridge, MA: Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have finally succeeded in creating the long sought after mobius pizza, a one sided pizza completely covered with toppings.

Science has long been aware that pizza lovers prefer toppings more than a bare crust. “We’ve attempted to solve this problem by adding flavorings and or cheese to outer crust or to make a deep dish styled pie filled with toppings,” stated MIT’s Chief Scientist of Foodology, Dr. John Jacobs. “Of course such actions did nothing regarding the pizza’s long ignored side, the bottom side.”

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Wife Stops Husband from Stealing her Identity

Grosse Pointe, MI – As our world becomes increasingly interconnected, we should all be aware of how scam artists are using clever but dangerous techniques to rip off the naive and the gullible. Take the example of Joan Hoden, a housewife from Grosse Pointe, who alleges that her own husband, Jack Hoden, has spent the last 43 years trying to steal her identity.

Mrs. Hoden’s suspicions arose after reading an article about identity theft in a recent Readers Digest magazine. “After reading that article it became apparent that my entire relationship with my husband was just one big phishing scam. That’s with a ‘ph’ not an ‘f’. Like when we first met at the bar over on Woodward, he asked me for my name. Then he continued asking me about where I worked and where I went to school. Eventually he managed to get my phone number from me. After we started dating he really wanted to meet my parents. Who wants to hang out with someone else’s parents on Thanksgiving? God it’s so obvious now, he was just trying to rip me off.”

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The RIAA and the MPAA sue Monster Cable for copyright infringement.

Hollywood –The RIAA and the MPAA held a joint press conference this afternoon to discuss their class action lawsuit against Monster Cable Products, Inc. and other manufacturers of audio and video cabling and wires.

The chief attorney in charge of the lawsuit, William Donaldson, stated that “it’s been clear for some time that when someone plays a CD or DVD that a copy of the content is being created and sent over wires. At no time has anyone from a wire or cabling manufacturer asked permission to make such copies. And to make it even worse, some manufacturers such as Monster claim to increase the quality of the picture or sound with the use of their cables. That would certainly be an unauthorized derivative work in direct violation of 17 USC 106 (2). It’s a simple fact that we have to sue these monsters to make them pay their fair share.”

Spokesman for the audio and video cabling industry, David Clark, said that the lawsuit is without merit. “Clearly the end-user who buys a CD or a DVD has the right to play the content and without wires, that’d be impossible.”

Donaldson responded by saying that there is no license in any DVD or CD sold which gives playback rights. “When a consumer buys a CD, for example, he’s licensing a single copy. That’s the copy he holds in his hands. Can someone show me any language in the packaging where the consumer has the right to play it back? I’m serious, that’s just ludicrous.”

While some in the cabling and wire manufacturing industry are hoping to work out a licensing structure similar to those imposed on cassette and blank CDs, it is felt by the copyright industry that such a system is not applicable here. Adds Donaldson, “With blank CDs you can only record one copy. Cassettes were only good for three or four copies at best. But with wires, they’ll copy millions of songs in their lifetime. Such an egregious infringement cannot be settled with a one-time licensing payment.”

The lawsuit will require all manufacturers of electronically conductive materials to bring their products into compliance with the broadcast flag. “After we succeed in our lawsuit,” continues Donaldson, “all wires will contain devices that track infringing content copying. These devices will wirelessly transmit information as to what content was copied to our headquarters. We’re not being greedy with this proposal, we’re only asking for a dollar per song, two dollars for each half and hour of television programming, and $10.00 for each movie. That is in addition to the 433 trillion dollars we’re asking for in estimated past economic damages.”

Monster Cable founder Noel Lee was shocked by the gouging being perpetrated by the copyright industry. “Sure, we sell cables for a hundred bucks, even though they only cost us 5 cents to make in China. But god, expecting to get paid multiple times every time a song or movie is played is beyond greed.”

Donaldson stated that “anyone who thinks we do not have the right to compensation for this infringement is certainly a communist, as any God-loving American believes strongly in property rights.”

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