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Hollywood Announces its Latest Live Action Superhero Blockbuster: The Mighty Heroes: Heroes to the Xtreme

October 26, 2006 on 3:30 pm | In Satire / Sarcasm | No Comments

The original Mighty Heroes as they appeared in the 1960s.

Hollywood – Paramount Pictures announces its next big budget live action superhero blockbuster: The Mighty Heroes: Heroes to the Xtreme.

As with Batman Begins, the studio will move away from the campy TV series of the 60s and concentrate on the gritty realism of a modern day Good Haven City. The movie will focus on the interpersonal relationships of the team, nonstop action, and a love interest between Strong Man and Good Haven’s assistant prosecutor, Penelope Goodgirl.

As to why the studio would sink millions of dollars to bring long forgotten superheroes to the big screen, studio spokesman Tom Donaldson says, “Who the heck ever heard of the Punisher? The Daredevil? When I first heard about the upcoming Ghost Rider movie I assumed it was a remake of the the PBS series Ghostwriter!”

“What sells movies is marketing,” continues Donaldson. “We’ve got big names involved with this picture. The Rock is expected to play Strong Man, Jim Carrey is signed on for Cuckoo Man, Kelsey Grammer will be perfect as Rope Man, and Tornado Man will be played by Philip Seymour Hoffman. That guy is hot. Diaper Man will be rendered in CG and voiced by Robin Williams. The token loudmouthed African American taxi driver will most likely be played by that guy from the 7-Up ads, as both Chris Rock and Chris Tucker have prior commitments. Paris Hilton was lined up to play Penelope Goodgirl, but market research showed that she is just not scrawny enough. Way too much meat on those bones. So the role will be played by a tree branch. Heck, we even got an artsy-fartsy director with Darren Aronofsky. Pi was infinitely more incomprehensible than Memento. We can’t lose!”

The supervillians will be the Scarecrow and the Monsterizer, played respectively by Tommy Lee Jones and John Malkovich. The plot will begin with the team’s early days and explain how they got their powers. Then it’ll shift into high gear and show the fight against the villains’ scheme to poison Good Haven’s water supply and turn its citizens into zombies.

Die hard fans of the Mighty Heroes are already expressing their distaste for a modern update of the classic show and comic book. Kevin Aldridge, from the Super Hero Blog, writes, “My biggest complaint, other than the casting of the Rock as Strong Man, is the lack of continuity. When the show ended the heroes had given up their mighty lives and formed an accounting firm under the name Man, Man, Man, Man, and Man. Was all of that just a dream? And since when do the villains of Good Haven ever team up with each other? That makes no sense. And don’t even get me started on why the Monsterizer would turn people into zombies!”

The studio is responding to such criticism by pointing out the movie’s broad appeal. “Why would we spend hundreds of millions of dollars on a movie that only three die hard fans would watch?” replies Donaldson. “This movie will have something for everyone. We’ve been utilizing market research heavily to cover all segments.” When asked whether The Mighty Heroes: Heroes to the Xtreme will be just another derivative, contrived, brainless, hype-driven piece of Hollywood crap, Donaldson replied, “Oh, yeah, to the Xtreme! Wait, what was the question?”

Filming is expected to start this fall for a release in the summer of 2008.