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Story about my cat

So I had this incident with my cat this morning. I’d left for work but realized I had forgotten my glasses. So I turned around and went back into the house to get them.

The fridge door was was wide open and the cat was up on the counter making a tuna sandwich. We both stared at each other.

Finally he broke the silence and said, “I wasn’t expecting you home.”

I replied, “I forgot my glasses.”

He said, “Well, this is kind of weird.”

I replied, “Not really, most cats love tuna.”

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This is why Americans hate judges

A judge in California will order Safeway stores to stop selling cheap gas in order to “protect the competitors.”

Since when is it the government’s job to protect competitors from more efficient competition?

Since when it is the government’s job to quash innovative and successful business models?

The Judge claims that if Safeway is somehow too successful, all the other gasoline retailers will go out of business leaving Safeway with a monopoly. Which will hurt consumers.

First, if Safeway does become a monopoly, which is highly doubtful and there is no evidence that even one gas station has gone out of business because of Safeway, that would only leave the market wide open for more competition.

Second, it doesn’t matter anyway. Because even if Safeway’s business model is so successful that it can put every other gasoline retailer out of business, why wouldn’t other retailers adopt the same model? Maybe Safeway’s model is the best way to sell gas. Maybe if the Judge would butt out, Safeway’s model would become the de facto way of selling gas. And decades from now we’ll talk about the old days when there were these “strange gas stations that only sold gas, wasn’t that weird?”

A similar thing happened when fast food restaurants were first introduced. Sit down restaurants thought they’d be run out of business. They weren’t. Merely because you can buy a dollar burger from McDonalds does not mean you don’t want to spend 15 bucks on a nice rib dinner.

And merely because you can buy cheap gas at Safeway after you do your shopping, does not mean you won’t stop at a Sunoco station to buy gas on the way to grandma’s house.

Someone might complain that I’m unfairly criticizing the judge. Someone might argue that it’s not the judge’s fault, he’s only following a stupid law.

Sorry, but the judge will not get off so easily. If the statute is so vague that no actual proof of consumer (not competitor) harm is needed, the judge could strike it as being unconstitutionally vague.

On the other hand, if the statute requires specific evidence of consumer harm, the judge could have determined in this case there was not such sufficient evidence and dismissed the case, or at least denied the injunction.

If the statute only required proof of competitor’s harm, he could have used his balls and struck the statute as being unconstitutionally none of the government’s fucking business.

Sure he might have got reversed on appeal. But at least he would be a judge we could respect.

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Women are like cats

Son: Dad, could you explain women to me?

Dad: Sure, son. It’s simple, women are like cats.

Son: How so?

Dad: If you pick up a cat and pet it, kiss it, and love it. It’ll scratch you and run away.

But if you push a cat away from you, it’ll run back and won’t leave you alone. It’ll demand to be the center of your attention.

And if you’re real lucky, when you’re lying in bed one night, she’ll come up and sit on your face.

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Do not be like the quarterbacks, for they love to pray in the stadiums and on TV to be seen by fans

Bill Plaschke, over at the Chicago Tribune, wrote an asinine opinion piece about Peyton Manning replacing Tim Tebow as quarterback for the Denver Broncos. The premise of the piece is this question: Why won’t the NFL let a “class act” like Tebow play in the NFL?

First, I personally don’t think Tebow is a class act. Sure, he’s not sexting like Brett Favre. But at least Favre was doing what he does in private.

Tebow doesn’t do anything in private. He’s what the Bible calls a hypocrite. He makes his faith a public spectacle.

Think about it. Tebow believes there’s an all powerful, and all knowing, magical being that bends the laws of physics to help him win football games if he puts on a public spectacle.

As an atheist I think Tebow’s belief makes him out to be an idiot.

As someone with deep faith, I’d be outraged that Tebow believes that God is taking time out of his busy day to help him in such trivial pursuits. It’s such an ego trip. It’s like a four year old boy yelling out, “I’m important because I have a big brother who can kick your ass.” Only a lot more offensive to theists and atheists alike.

So, I do not believe that Tebow is a class act. His shtick, his spectacle, his pandering, is highly demeaning to nearly everyone. Everyone except for that minority of theists who find comfort in believing that God helps devotes win football games while letting children starve.

And furthermore, Plaschke’s piece is simply poorly argued. At one point Plaschke criticizes people who forget Tebow’s victories while focusing on his beliefs. In other words, criticizing people for focusing on the very spectacle that Tebow performs at every game.

However, Plaschke then argues that Tebow should be praised for his “strength born of faith.”

Look, Plaschke, you can’t criticize people for focusing on Tebow’s faith and then demand that Tebow should be praised for his faith.

And second of all, if Tebow’s “strength” was based on empiricism, instead being born of faith, he’d still be a quarterback in the NFL. In other words, faith doesn’t matter. Real world results do.

So, Plaschke, to answer your original question, if Tebow can’t find another quarterback job in the NFL, it will have nothing to do with his faith or the classiness of his shtick. It’ll be because he’s simply is not good enough.

Update:

And here’s the last reason Plaschke piece was asinine. He argues that Tebow is a worthy quarterback but that the NFL will not accept him. Well, he’s already been proved wrong on that. Apparently the Jets want Tebow fever. Plaschke, it makes no sense to argue that Tebow is a worthy quarterback but won’t be allowed to play. The NFL doesn’t care about a person’s faith. Only if they can win. And clearly Tebow has proved that. It’s just that Manning has more proof.

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“Buy Local” (aka, Buy from Us if You Want to Support Us) Is Not a Business Model

I recently went to buy a guitar at an independent music store called Elderly’s Music. They had it listed for about 40 bucks more than everyone else had it, e.g., Guitar Center, Amazon, Musician’s Friend, etc. (Not to mention that Amazon would have been an additional 42 bucks cheaper without tax!)

So I get to the store and looked around. I couldn’t find the guitar anywhere. The clerks are those “I’m too cool to acknowledge customers” types. I finally got a clerk to talk to me, and to shorten the story, here’s what happened:

Clerk: “I’ve never heard of that guitar.”

After finding it on their website and showing that they have it in stock.

Clerk: “Well, we have guitars almost like it over there.”

After telling him I drove to see that particular guitar.

Clerk: “We’ll it must be around here somewhere.”

Me staring at him.

Clerk: “I’ll go and look for it.”

I kept looking around myself but he never came to get me. I was about ready to leave when I saw the clerk playing the guitar I wanted. I went up to him and said, “Oh, you found it.”

His response was, “Yep, it was in the back. It wasn’t out because it hasn’t been set up yet.” He then handed it to me.

Anyway, I played it and it wasn’t quite as awesome as I expected, I expected it to be heavier, but I still wanted to buy it. I asked someone who walked by if he worked there. He said he did. I asked if they could give a deal on the guitar.

His response: “Nope, the price on the tag is what we sell it for.”

I replied, “Amazon and Guitar Center are selling it for $669. You can’t go any lower.”*

His response, “Well, you should buy it from them.”

And here’s the killer line he said, “Unless you want to support local businesses, if you do you should buy it from us.”

In a nutshell, their plan to compete against more efficient competitors is to proclaim, “Buy from us if you want to support us!”

I’m sorry. And I don’t mean to be rude, but if your business model is: “Buy from us if you want to.” You should go out of business.

Elderly’s is a corporation with the sole goal of obtaining profit, just like Amazon, only on a much much smaller. However, Amazon did not become the retail giant it is merely because it paid people to shrug their shoulders and say, “Buy from us if you want to support us.”

Amazon became huge because it focused on giving customers non-circular reasons to buy. Four of ‘em actually: Low prices. Cheap/free/fast shipping. Bending-over-backwards customer service. And ensuring as hard as possible that you never have to pay sales taxes.

Amazon gives me four reasons to buy. Elderly’s, you could not be bothered to give me one.

Will you go out of business? Maybe, but probably not. There was a hipster record/CD store in my area called School Kids which has long since went out of business.

Their prices were outrageously high. But they had everything you wanted. The selection was simply astonishing. Since you had it in your hand, you simply bought it there rather than try to find it cheaper elsewhere. However, Amazon’s selection of everything at dirt cheap prices and fast free shipping eliminated School Kids Records pretty quickly.

I personally think Elderly’s and places like it will survive longer mostly because of ignorance. And not the ignorance that you can buy stuff cheaper on the net. It’s a different type of ignorance. The ignorance musicians have over their own instruments.

Hanging out at a local music store one day I overheard a guy bringing in his guitar to have the strings changed. After he left I made fun of him with the clerk. He said it’s actually worse, some people bring their guitars in to be tuned!

I find it amazing that someone would take the time to learn complex chords and scales, but cannot be bothered to learn how turn a peg or use an allen wrench.

And that’s Elderly’s real plan to compete, but it’s unspoken so as not to offend. Ignorant musicians can buy at Eldery’s knowing they have a place to have trivial things “fixed” on the instrument. You know, utterly complicated things like setting intonation or straightening a neck. (Yes, dear, that was sarcasm.)

Still, I wouldn’t want to be in Eldery’s shoes. If your business model is actually relying on the ignorance of your customers, you risk losing your entire business once they wise up. If that ever happens, all of those hipster clerks will have to find some other place to be paid to ignore customers.

* I just wanted to add that I did not expect Eldery’s to give me the $669 price. I realize that internet and big box stores have a higher volume which means they can sell lower. I was willing to pay more for buying it from Elderly’s because it was in my hand and so I could use it at practice the next day, I just didn’t want to pay full price. Nearly any capitulation on their part probably would have been enough to get me to buy, e.g., set of strings, 10 bucks off, strap-locks, etc. However, a shrug was not enough.

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Why didn’t the internet take off in 1983?

Apparently AT&T released this supercool internetish device back in 1983 which completely flopped. Slashdot asks, “Why didn’t the internet take off in 1983?” Easy answer:

The internet didn’t take off until the mid 90s because, by then, a critical mass of people used it at work and wanted to surf at home. That caused non-nerds and non-geeks to run out and buy computers and internet connections.

Back in 1983 very very few people used the internet at work. Why, because it didn’t really exist as we know it today. At best there was ARPANET, but it wasn’t actually newbie or consumer oriented at all.

Also, having all those computers at work made a critical mass of people comfortable with using keyboards. Thus they were actually able to type emails, URLs, and search requests because they were paid to learn at work. Back in 1983, the only people who typed were secretaries or people who were trained as secretaries, and nerds.

So it simply doesn’t matter that AT&T released a really super-cool internet like device back in 1983. Why would anyone buy it? Email? What’s that? Does everyone you want to write have access to it?

Restaurant reviews? Who (back in 1983) actually really reads restaurant reviews other than what’s in the newspaper? And once again, the reason Yelp is presently a success is because there are a critical mass of people online reviewing restaurants and other businesses. Yelp gets about 30 million unique visitors a month. 30 million! A month!

Online banking? That was back when people kept track of their checking accounts with pens and paper.

Let’s try this experiment. There’s a super-cool thing I’m selling called the Abadab. It allows you to do things you already do in an entirely different way. You’ll have to spend weeks learning an entirely new and frustrating interface to do these otherwise ordinary things. Plus you’ll have to buy an expensive device to do these otherwise ordinary things. Double-plus, you’ll have to pay monthly to do those otherwise ordinary things. Wanna sign up for it? Would your dad?

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You can’t complain about “lost sales” through piracy when you refuse to sell

You can read the whole background here. A web comic author complained that when he went to buy or pay to watch the TV series Game of Thrones, he was unable to do so. The producers of that show simply do not allow anyone to pay to watch it except on HBO.

To summarize, he was willing to pay to watch the show, but the producer refuses to take his money.

A columnist by the name of Andy Ihnatko wrote that this shows the erroneous sense of entitlement internet users have. “Entitlement” being a derogatory comment, of course. He argues that HBO has no duty to offer its shows in a format to please its audience. And that internet users should simply buy what HBO offers or sit down and shut up.

He’s right. But he’s still wrong. He won the battle but lost the war. Let me explain.

Imagine if a meat-space retailer operated the same way HBO is acting. Imagine if Wal-Mart was only open a few utterly inconvenient hours per week, they had all of these “windows” (aka, timelines) for selling fresh fruit and meat, and sometimes they would simply refuse to even sell fresh fruit or meat. “Sorry, we have the steaks in the Wal-Mart vault.” Analogous to the famous “Disney vault.”

And to make the analogy complete, Wal-Mart would only barely lock their doors. Anyone could walk in anytime they wanted and take whatever they wanted.

Who would the police blame each and every time Wal-Mart called for another robbery? Wal-Mart, of course. And after a while, I’d guess the police would even stop coming.

But in the wonderful world of intellectual property, it’s never the copyright industry’s fault. It’s always the consumer’s fault.

So, Ihnatko is correct. HBO does not have to offer its shows in a format its customers want. However, once HBO refuses to take money from its customers, it no longer can complain about piracy taking away lost sales.

HBO has a solution to piracy: offer a product people are willing to pay for. The sole reason HBO is losing sales is because it’s refusing to sell.

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Bored of Law

I heard this story from an old-time attorney, it allegedly happened during testimony in a trial many decades ago….

Attorney: “Judge, I object!”

Judge: “On what legal basis?”

Attorney: “This is boooooorrrrrrriiiinnnnngggg!!!”

Judge: “Sustained.” (Which affirmed the objection.)

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What Drives the Pendulum?

I recently re-watched the 1971 sci-fi classic, the Andromeda Strain. Despite being rated G, not PG, not R, but G, there are scenes that show a very attractive set of naked female breasts, three naked male butts, and a few illegal drug references.

Did I mention it was rated G?!

How did we get from the permissive, open, and free thinking time of the 70s to a time where the current leading Republican candidate for President thinks that birth control should be illegal even when used by married couples?!

Back in the 70s, it was perfectly acceptable for kids to see breasts. What’s wrong with seeing breasts? Breasts are a part of life. We all have them. Nowadays even R movies rarely show breasts. Conservatives even freak out when mothers feed their babies. What the fuck is wrong with feeding children?!

It’s easy to say, “Well, the pendulum has swung back.” But what makes it swing back? Rick Santorum was about 13 when the Andromeda Strain came out. So Rick was a teenager during that time of freedom and openness. What caused him and others from that generation to turn against it?

Do children simply always turn against what their parents do? Is our country’s massive turn to the right merely a different side of the same coin as the 60′s counter-culture movement?

Or maybe when the economy is in the dumps our fears of the future make us more conservative. And conversely, when the economy is great, we’re more comfortable and relaxed and just enjoy the ride.

Or have the wealthy people who actually run our country decided that there’s more money to be made with a compliant conservative populace and have conditioned us through their media outlets to act accordingly?

I don’t have an answer, but I do know this. The 70s were fucking awesome.

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Mike Myers has always sucked

This post is sort of outdated, Mike Myers’ career is all but dead, but I’m only writing it because I recently re-watched So I Married an Axe Murderer.

Several years ago Mike Myers was ridiculed for the release of the god-awful movie The Love Guru. But you know what, he’s always sucked. Myers’ entire career consists of creating cliched stereotyped characters and having them say mundane things. In other words, he simply does not know how to be funny.

Let’s look back at So I Married an Axe Murderer. It was his second movie. In addition to playing the main character, he also played his character’s dad. He played that dad as a loud stereotypical Scottish man. The dad said utterly mundane things very loudly. He talked about soccer. About his younger son’s large head. About his other son’s reluctance to get married.

The writers of So I Married an Axe Murderer did try to stretch the dad’s character a bit and had him dancing and singing along to the Bay City Roller classic, Saturday Night. They also had the dad sing Do You Think I’m Sexy accompanied by bagpipes. While those were certainly not stereotypical of old Scottish men, they were certainly also not funny.

Having a stereotyped character act stereotypical is not funny. Just as merely having that same stereotyped character do something out of his stereotype also is not funny. Nothing the dad said or did was actually funny. It’s almost as if Myers is from an alien culture which has no clue what humans consider funny. Or even what “funny” means.

And even the main character Myers plays in So I Married an Axe Murderer is stereotyped. The movie called for a character who dates, so that’s what Myers gave them. His character has no given job, education, or background. He exists purely as a person who dates and dumps women and then does beat poetry about it. So all the “jokes” which occur are nothing more than things people ordinarily would say during dates. In other words, they’re not funny.

Read through these so called “memorable quotes” from So I Married an Axe Murderer to see how unfunny the movie actually is. These are the “best” lines and none of them are funny.

Or how about his most famous character. Wayne from Wayne’s World. In that movie he played a stereotypical metal-head teenager from the 80s. His character said things typical of metal kids from that time period. But merely saying things that people say is not funny.

Or his other famous character, Austin Powers. In that role he played a stereotypical British spy who said stereotypical British slang in a stereotypical British accent, like “baby.”

Why is saying British slang funny? It’s not. So the real question is why Myers thinks repeating slang is funny? As I said, he does not have a clue about what “funny” is.

I’ll continue, on SNL Myers did a character named Linda Richman. She was his stereotypical “jewish female” character. She said “verklempt.” Why? Because apparently that’s what jewish women say. Why is it funny? It’s not.

I could go on and on. It’s not just that The Love Guru wasn’t funny. It’s really that Myers isn’t funny. At all.

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