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Why Hybrid Tube/Solid State Guitar Amps Aren’t The Worst of Both Worlds

I’ve recently written about the differences between tube and solid state amps.

On a related topic, many guitar amp manufacturers are now selling hybrid tube/solid state amplifiers. Most guitarists look down at those with thinly veiled contempt. Basically, such amps are said to be the worst of both worlds.

I have to disagree. There are two types of such hybrid amps and both kind are perfectly suited for particular purposes.

The first is a tube pre-amp/solid state power amp. These are perfect for general purpose blues, rock, pop, country, jazz, etc. People who play such music want the gentle and subtle clipping offered from real tube preamps. Such a hybrid amp would give players the natural sound they want, with a lot of volume, at a much lower cost than a pure tube amp.

The second is a solid state preamp/tube power amp hybrid. These are perfect for hard rock players and metal heads. Such players don’t care about the subtle clipping offered by over-driven tube preamps. They get their clipping from distortion pedals. But they do want the mmph which can only be delivered by a 100 watt tube powered head. A 100 watt tube driven amp/half stack/full stack is loud to the extent that it actually pushes air. (Maybe that’s why metal heads usually wear so much hair spray?)

Now I’ll admit, in a perfect world, someone who wants a tube sound would be better off with a pure tube amp. However, we don’t live in a perfect world. We live in a world where we’re occasionally forced to make compromises. And a tube/solid state guitar amp is not a bad compromise to make if your funds are low and you get the one that suits your needs.

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Using Copyright to Encourage More Infringement

There are law firms out there which are basically extorting money from victims. Their M.O. is to get IP addresses for an entire swarm of people downloading porn via bittorrent and then sending out “settlement” offers via the ISP.

For those who don’t settle the firm files a lawsuit against the IP addresses and requests subpenas from the courts to force the ISPs to turn over the customers names and addresses.

Then more “settlement” offers are made. And if those are rejected, the remaining swarm are added to the lawsuit by name.

Of course the threat of having your name publicly attached to a lawsuit about porn infringement embarrasses enough people to just settle.

What’s odd is that the files they’re suing over are almost always porn parodies. In looking through their cases on Westlaw we have the following: XXX Avengers, Supergirl XXX An Extreme Comixxx Parody, Big Bang Theory: A XXX Parody, The Office: A XXX Parody, My Little Panties #2, and Batman XXX: A Porn Parody.

As others have commented on, it seems odd to rely on parodies for copyright infringement lawsuits because there’s the whole additional layer of whether or not the producer of the porn even has a valid copyright on it. You certainly have a fair use right to make a parody Batman, but you probably don’t have the right to take the copyrighted Batman character and stick him into your parody.

But, upon thinking about it, relying on porn parodies makes sense because these firms are intentionally trying to maximize the pool of infringers so they can force more settlements. If the file was merely entitled “blonde.takes.it.all.avi,” who would find it? maybe a few. Maybe it’d get a hundred downloads.

But if you name it after a popular TV show or movie, suddenly it’s showing up in hundreds of thousands of search results. What fan of the Big Bang Theory wouldn’t think, “Oh my god, a porn parody of my favorite show, I’ve got to check it out.”

This is how desperate these firms are for money. They don’t want to stop infringement. They’re not trying to protect copyrights. No. They want to encourage infringement. Even by trying to trick people who would never typically download porn into downloading porn.

Typically such behavior is called extortion. But in the crazy world of copyrights, it’s a perfectly legal business model.

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Why Do Tube Amps Sound Louder Than Solid State Amps?

It’s a common belief among guitarists that tube amps are louder than solid state amps. I’ve seen little 30 watt tube amps blow away ginormous 100 watt solid state amps. This is not a myth, it’s a fact. Here’s why.

First, it must be pointed out that watts are watts. Tube wattage is not different from solid state wattage. It’s simply ohm’s law.

W = I2 x R

By any objective measure, 50 watts from a tube amp is identical to 50 watts from a solid state.

So why do tube amps sound louder?

It comes down to two things. How the wattage of amps are rated and how tube amps clip/distort differently from solid state amps.

An amplifier’s wattage rating is not a measurement of its maximum output. The wattage of an amplifier is rated at its highest output without clipping.*

Here’s a picture to show what clipping is:

As the wattage is increased, the amplifier reaches a threshold where the highest outputs are clipped off. This clipping causes distortion. In a PA system, it would suck. In a bass amp this would suck. But guitar players use this clipping to modify and add to their sound.

The next part of the puzzle is this: tube amps clip different than solid state amps.

Tube amps clip gradually as the wattage is increased while solid state amps remain clean until they’re suddenly very clipped/distorted.

The gradual clipping of a tube amp adds to the flavor of a guitar. A guitar player using a tube amp can play harder to get more clipping and play softer to play smoother. These subtle nuances add character to a player’s sound. The sudden massive clipping of a solid state simply sounds like shit. There are no subtle clipping nuances with a solid state amp, it’s either not clipped or fully clipped.

Based on the foregoing, manufacturers of solid state amps set their volume knobs to nearly 10 before the clipping starts. So to get a 50 watt solid state to full wattage, you have to turn it up nearly all the way.

Manufactures of tube amps know that guitar players want clipping, so they take that into consideration when they set their volume knobs. So a tube amp reaches its maximum wattage at a much lower volume setting. Probably 3/4 of the way up. Sure it’s clipping past that point, but it’s a warm and good sounding clipping.

So if you turn up a solid state and a tube amp to 10, the solid state is pushing its full 50 watts, and probably sounds like shit because that bad clipping would be starting (unless its a very high quality solid state amp such as a Fender or a Roland**). while the tube amp would be pushing more than 50 watts. The tube amp would be clipping, but it would be that good sounding clipping.

And of course a 50 watt tube amp set to 5 is putting out more watts than a 50 watt solid state amp set to 5.

I should point out that I’m not arguing that tube amps are “better” than solid state amps. I’ve owned plenty of solid state amps in my life and only a few tube amps. And furthermore, objectively speaking, solid state amps are cleaner and are less prone to clipping. However, subjectively people like the sound and warmth of tube amps more, despite their objective faults. Well, that’s not right. People like the sound and warmth of tube amps more because of those faults.

*This is how the wattage of quality amplifiers are rated. Measuring the maximum output including clipping is one way how low-quality amplifier manufacturer’s cheat. Another way they cheat is by measuring the peak and not the average (RMS) wattage. Thus you can find 2000 watt amplifiers for only 77 bucks on Amazon. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

** Speaking of high quality solid state amplifiers, back in the early 90s I used a Fender Princeton Chorus. It was only 50 watts, but it rocked. Actually, it was even less than 50 watts. It was actually two 25 watt amplifiers in stereo. So basically I was playing through two 25 watt amps each into its own 10″ speaker.

But it was loud. Not as loud as the singer’s tube Fender Twin (which I think was rated at 25 watts), but plenty loud enough. I never had any problems at any show we played.

Generally speaking, the vast majority of tube amps are of a high quality. There simply is not a market for low quality tube amps.

However, the vast majority of solid state amps sold are of a lower quality. A 25 watt Crate solid state from the 80s would never have been loud enough to play in a band. I know because I used an 80′s built 75 watt Crate 2×12 combo in the early 90s and it was not loud enough. (Luckily some one gave it to me for free.)

So if two guitar players are in a room, one with a tube amp and one with a solid state amp, statistically speaking, the tube amp is going to be of a much higher quality than the solid state. As I explained above, that’s going make the differences in volume much more apparent.

However, if the solid state was a Fender or a Roland, there would be no discussion of, “Why is your little amp so much louder than mine?”

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Copyright Maximalists or Middlemen Protectionists?

Every so often a Copyright Maximalist gets caught violating copyright. For example, France’s President, Nicolas Sarkozy, was accused of violating copyright. SOPA sponsor Lamar Smith has been accused of infringing a photographer’s copyright.

People are outraged by this. They consider it hypocritical. How can someone demand stronger copyright laws, but then ignore the laws currently on the books?! It doesn’t seem to make any sense.

However, it does make sense. Copyright Maximalists don’t give a frick about protecting copyrights. A better term to describe them would be Middlemen Protectionists.

These people don’t give a frick about the rights of some photographer. But they are highly concerned if Viacom or Disney feels their profits are insufficient.

When a powerful status quo corporation, which derives all of its profits collecting government granted monopoly rents, wants government protection, the Middlemen Protectionist are the first to jump up to help. They’ll demand new draconian laws. They’ll gladly dump the first amendment and due process to give their middlemen buddies higher profits.

But if a photographer wants a bowl of gruel to compensate him for his work, the Middlemen Protectionist just lights up another cigar and laughs.

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Christmas on Venus and Mars

A woman wrote “Ask Amy” for advice concerning her husband. The wife complains that she does all the preparations for Christmas and her husband does nothing. She wants to quit and let her husband suffer the consequences.

I find it hilarious that men are supposed to know that men and women view things differently, but women expect men to view things the exact same way they do.

Let’s imagine if this woman carries out her threat. You know what will happen? Nothing.

The wife will complain that if she doesn’t do the baking, there will be no Christmas cookies and crumpets. However, if her husband really wanted Christmas baked goods, he’d simply buy some.

I’m sure the wife will complain that the Christmas cards wouldn’t get sent out if her husband was in charge. And she’s absolutely right. But the thing is, we don’t give a fuck about cards. If we want to wish someone holiday cheer, we’ll wish them that cheer when we see them, in a phone call, or a text, or whatever. We see no need to send out a bunch of cards.

And speaking of cards, I’m sure the wife will complain that the thank you cards wouldn’t be mailed out. Once again, she’d be right. But also once again, the husband wouldn’t give a fuck. You know who came up with the byzantine rules of etiquette such as sending thank you cards? Those rules were created back in the 1800s by wealthy women who didn’t work and had servants, so they spent their free time making up stupid rules.

If a man wants to thank someone for giving him a gift, he’ll say, “Thanks.” If it was mailed to him, the next time he sees or texts him he’ll say, “Thanks.”

And of course the wife will complain that unless she does it, the Christmas decorations will never be put up or taken down. Once again, she’s probably right. But men don’t care about the vast majority of stuff the woman put up. Other than the tree, men want their house just like it is the rest of the year. And we only want a tree if there are young kids in the house.

And saving the best for last, the wife will complain that without her, the presents will not get bought. Note to women. You’ve turned gift giving into a spectator sport. The act of buying gifts and creating a presentation with the gift is more important than the giving. If men want to buy someone something, “Oh, dad would really like this,” we’ll just buy it for him. We might pay to get it wrapped, if it’s for a chick, otherwise we’ll just give it unwrapped. It’s about giving someone you love something they’ll love. Not about outdoing what everyone else is doing.

And sure the gift list will be a lot smaller with the husband in charge, but ladies, we simply have no desire to buy presents just because. Especially for people we never see or don’t give a fuck about.

In a nutshell, the real reason the wife spends so much time preparing for Christmas is because she wants to. She likes looking for “just the right Christmas card.” Spending time looking for “just the right family picture” to include the the card. Spending time baking “just the right cookies” for the holidays. Spending time shopping to get “just the right gift” for someone she has not actually seen in years.

She’s deluding herself by thinking she’s doing it for her husband’s benefit. She’s doing it for herself. And if she no longer enjoys doing it, stop. It’s really that simple.

Sure we sit around a lot in the winter and watch a lot of football or basketball. But there’s a good reason for it, that’s what we like to do. As I said, you guys like going to shop. We like staying in and watching TV.

Furthermore, it’s not like men sit on their asses all winter. We’re the ones who shoveled the driveway, started up the wife’s car to get it warm, and scraped all the car’s windows so the wife could get her car out of the driveway to do her Christmas shopping. Of course we do have an ulterior motive other than keeping her safe: Keeping her out of our hair while we watch sports.

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“Crappy but Free” is not a business plan

A guy named Tyler Nichols has decided to stop offering a free “letter from Santa” service because, according to him, it’s not worth the effort.

I feel bad for his experience, however, in and of itself free is not a business plan. To put it another way, free only works as a part of larger plan. Free works for Google. Free works for Facebook. Free works for radio. Free works for over-the-air TV broadcasts.

I’m trying not to criticize Tyler, but in a nutshell he was offering a crappier version of his paid service and hoping and praying that it was crappy enough that people wouldn’t use it and would pay for the higher quality version instead.

That’s a not a plan. That’s nonsense. If the free service is good enough, he is not offering any real reason to pay. If that was his plan, it was bound to fail.

Furthermore, if the free service is crappy enough that people would chose not to use it, why would anyone be willing to pay for it? Once again, if that was his plan, it too was bound to fail.

Think of it this way, if your first experience with Coke was a fantastic free cola, why would you ever buy the next one? Or if your first experience was a crappy free cola, you’d probably be hesitant to pay for the next one.

In reading his blog post on the topic, you can tell he is genuinely frustrated and angered by his experience. But considering his plan was a logical failure to begin with, isn’t being caught between a rock and a hard place the very definition of frustration?

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Even non-bots are idiots

I’ve complained before about the spambots trolling Craigslist. Basically, if you post an ad on CL you’ll almost immediately get spam emails from pretend buyers.

I’ve started including my Google Voice number when selling stuff on CL, but the responses have not improved.

Some guy texted me:

Intereated in cl post

And then texted me again:

Carvin

I should point out that this guy is real. I searched for his number on CL and he has a history of buying and selling.

So anyway, he’s interested. How am I supposed to respond to that?

Should I respond and tell him that I’m interested in selling? Nope, he already knows that. That’s why I placed the ad in the first place.

Should I respond and tell him about what I’m selling? Nope, I included all of that information in my ad.

Once again, how am I supposed to respond? I couldn’t think of anything, so I didn’t.

Sometimes I can’t help but think I’m an alien living on this planet, because for the life of me I can’t understand the thought processes of normal people. What was this guy thinking when he texted me? If I’m lucky, maybe he’ll stop texting and I’ll never have to find out.

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You Can’t Get There From Here

I saw a confused guy in his late 20s walking in the hallway on the third floor. He walked right past a double set of elevators and past two doors, each with huge lighted signs above them saying “Exit,” each with second signs saying “Stairway,” and each with huge windows through which you can clearly see the stairways.

As he passed the first door, the double set of elevators, and the second door, he looked right at them as if he was looking for a particular place.

Since he looked confused, I asked him.

You seem lost, can I help you find something?

He replied, quite perturbed,

I’m just trying to find a way back to the first floor!

I replied back,

Well, you might want to try that door (pointing at the door) or the elevators (pointing at the elevators).

He stood silent and still confused. I continued,

This door right here has stairs that will take you downstairs or the elevators right there will take you downstairs.

Still perturbed he turned, opened the door, and walked down the stairs. I honestly expected him to walk up the stairs. Really, I did.

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Burn Notice – Return for the Kill

(Scene opens with Sam, Michael, and Fiona at Michael’s loft. Sam is drinking a mojito. Michael is eating yogurt. Fiona is cleaning an automatic submachine gun.)

Fiona: Michael, any news on the people who burned you?

Michael: I’m supposed to get a call from someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me.

Sam: Mike, while we wait for that, (Sam rolls his eyes), I want you to meet someone, he has a problem.

Michael: What kind of problem?

Sam: Someone has his money and he needs us to get it back.

Fiona: Can’t we just put a bullet in this creep’s head?

Sam: Calm down Fi, let’s talk to him first. We’re meeting him at the bar on Fifth. We can order some more mojitos.

Michael: I’m trying to track down the people who burned me. I can’t get back in until I solve this. I don’t have the time to help every person who comes my way.

Sam: Michael, he has a young child.

(Close up of Michael’s distraught face.)

Michael: Let’s go.

Sam: Well, we don’t have to leave yet, we have a few hours before the meet.

Michael: Look, if I’m going to do this, I’m going to be in charge. We’re going to do this my way.

Sam: Sure Mike, you’re the boss.

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona walk out of Michael’s loft in slow-mo.)

(Scene change, Michael, Sam, and Fiona pull up to the bar in Michael’s GTO. They get out of the vehicle in slow-mo. The camera pans around to show the neighborhood.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

When meeting a new client, it’s always important to case the area first to uncover any counter-surveillance. Even the smallest clues can give a lot of information. Is that bag lady an agent or just someone down on her luck? Sneaking an explosive in her shopping cart is good insurance either way.

(Scene change, Sam bumps into the bag lady while Fiona crawls under the shopping cart and attaches an explosive device.)

(Scene change, Sam, Michael, and Fiona are sitting at a table at the bar. The table is filled with finished mojitos indicating they’ve been sitting there for hours.)

Sam (Pete approaches the table and sits down): This is my friend Pete. He has a problem.

Michael: I hear someone has your money and you need us to get it back.

Pete: No, what? I just need a ride to Best Buy. I have to return this Guns ‘n Roses CD my mom bought me for my birthday. Sam said you have a car. If it’s a big deal, I could just take the bus.

Michael: Listen Pete, if you want our help we have to do this our way.

(Michael snatches the Best Buy bag from Pete.)

Pete: Hey, you can’t just take my stuff, give it back.

Fiona (cleaning her fingernails with a 7 inch dagger): Pete, we’re professionals. We’ve done this before. You’re going to have to trust us.

Pete (Standing up from the table): Listen, you guys just keep the bag, you’re fucking nuts. Keep the fucking receipt too. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

(Pete leaves the restaurant.)

Sam: I’m sorry about that. The pressure is getting to him.

Michael: It’s OK Sam. He has a young son… or daughter.

Michael: Fi, you’re going to have to get a hold of our money laundering friend, Barry, and give him a copy of this receipt. See if he can trace where the offshore accounts are.

Michael: And Sam, talk to some of your FBI buddies. See if they know anything about this Best Buy syndicate. What’s their market, who’s in charge, and most importantly, who’s their enemy.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam walk out of the restaurant in slow-mo. Michael puts his sunglasses on. Without looking down, Fiona pushes a key on her cell phone. In the background we see the bag lady exploding. They continue walking without flinching.)

(Fiona and Michael are in the front seat of Michael’s car. Sam is in the back seat.)

Sam: I wish we could have kept her alive. I’d like to have tried to get some information out of her.

Michael: With a criminal organization this large, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk to bad guys. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Sam and Fiona knowingly look at each other and smile.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Scene change to Michael’s loft. Michael exits his car in slow-mo and puts his sunglasses on. He enters the loft. He takes his sunglasses off in slow-mo. Fiona and Sam are waiting for him.)

(Inside Michael’s loft. Michael is eating a yogurt. Sam is drinking a beer. Fiona is cleaning a Glock.)

Michael: So Sam, what have you learned about this Best Buy syndicate?

Sam: It’s bad, Mike. Real bad. It’s a cartel that controls the entire electronics industry in Miami and beyond. They’ve slowly been killing off their competition one by one, Circuit City, CompUSA, Fry’s… it’s brutal. Even Apple won’t set up shop in Miami. It’s that bad. The only competition they have is a guy from Detroit. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He runs a chain of electronic stores under the name, Fretter Appliance.

Michael: Any news from Barry, Fi?

Fiona: He says they have accounts everywhere. Canada, Europe, they’re even taking over South America. They get cheap merch from China made by child slave labor and sell it throughout the world.

Fiona: I say we blow the whole place up, like we did in Belgrade.

Michael: They’re too big for that. If we blow up their local hoods, they’ll only send more. I’ve got a better idea. We’ve got to make them want to stay away.

(Fade out to Michael, dressed in a yellow suit, getting out of his car in slow-mo at the Best Buy parking lot.)

Michael’s Voice Over:

There’s two ways to approach a criminal organization. The first is as their friend, the second is as their enemy. While approaching as a friend may seem safer, you run the risk of being turned away. If you approach as an enemy, they have to deal with you. You just have to be prepared for how they decide to deal with you.

(Michael enters the Best Buy in slow-mo and takes off his sunglasses. He looks around. He finds a low level teenage employee and approaches him. Michael grabs the teen and slams him against a display.)

Michael: I need to talk to your boss. Where is he?

Employee: What the fuck, dude? If you don’t let me go I’ll call the cops.

Michael (Pushing the employee against the display): Tell your boss that my boss sent me. His name is Ollie. Ollie Fretter. He wants to come down from Detroit and set up shop here in Miami. He hired me to get rid of the competition before he gets here.

(Michael releases his grip on the employee. The employee runs away. Michael walks over to an employee directory hanging on the wall. It has the names of each employee along with photographs. He takes a picture of the directory with his cell phone. He then makes a call.)

Michael (on his cell phone): Fi, I found the local syndicate boss’ name. He’s Ted Arnold. I’m sending you a picture of him. After you track him down, tail him a bit. I want to know where he lives and who he deals with. Have Sam help you.

Fiona: I’ll get right on it. And, Michael, your mother called me. She needs to talk to you.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Sam: Mike, I got Ted’s name from Fi and ran it past my FBI and cop buddies. This guy is good, Mike. He has no record, at all. He’s perfectly clean. Too clean.

Michael: All great criminals have clean records, but those records are always forgeries.

Michael’s Voice Over:

If you’re a criminal and you want to hide your criminal past, it’s a good idea to replace your criminal file with a forged clean file. This fools the police into thinking you’re not a criminal.

Sam: Mike, this guy’s a ghost. But I got a lead, get this; he’s taking dance lessons over at Mariachi’s Dance Studio on Main.

Michael: I’ll meet you over there. I’ve just got to talk to Fi.

(Michael enters Fiona’s house. He takes off his sunglasses. Fiona is cleaning a rifle.)

Michael: Fi, I need a favor from you.

Fiona: What is it?

Michael: I need you to track down an A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle.

Fiona: Mike, that rifle was designed to stop rhinos in their tracks. Why do you need it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): Because I need to bring down a rhino. A criminal rhino.

(Michael and Fiona exit Michael’s car in slow-mo and approach Sam, who is waiting outside the dance studio.)

Sam: This Ted character is inside, “taking a class.” (Sam makes the quotation symbols with his hands.)

Michael: Who else is in there with him?

Sam: I’ve been casing the place for a few hours. (There are three empty bottles of tequila on the hood of Sam’s car.) There are some kids in there, their parents, about five dance teachers, and our Mr. Ted.

Fiona: That’s a lot of people, Michael, maybe I should lay down some C-4 on the exits in case anyone tries to get out.

Michael: Do you have any C-4 and detonators with you?

Fionna (Fiona opens a knapsack to reveal explosives and detonators.): Have we met before? (Fiona rolls her eyes.)

Michael: How long will it take?

Fiona: Give me five minutes.

(Montage scene of Fiona, Sam, and Michael installing the explosives and detonators on the exterior walls of the dance studio. Pounding industrial music plays in the background)

Fiona: Well, that’s it.

Sam: It’s show time Mike.

Michael (putting on his sunglasses): I’m ready.

(Michael, wearing the yellow suit, enters the dance studio in slow-mo.)

Michael (taking off his sunglasses): Which one of you is Ted Arnold?

Ted (the only adult male in the room.): I’m Ted Arnold, can I help you?

Michael: You can help my friend, Ollie, Ollie Fretter. Ollie wants to expand his business out of Detroit. You can help Ollie by getting out of town.

(Michael pulls out his cell phone in slow-mo and pushes a key. Nothing happens. He pushes a different key. The building starts to blow up. Everyone inside starts to run around knowing they only have seconds to live. Fiona hits Ted in the back of his head with the butt of her gun and knocks him out. Sam catches him and puts a black sack over his head.)

(Scene from inside Michael’s GTO’s trunk looking up. Sam, Michael, and Fiona dump Ted’s unconscious body in the trunk. The scene goes to black when the body hits the floor.)

(Scene change. Inside an abandoned warehouse Ted is tied to a chair with the black bag still on his head. Michael pulls off the black bag showing Ted’s bruised, bloodied face.)

Ted: What the fuck is going on?

Michael: I have a friend. You may have heard of him. Ollie, Ollie Fretter. I already told you this back at your hangout. Your former hangout. He’s thinking of expanding his operation from Detroit down to Miami. He wants you out of the way.

Ted: You’ve got me confused with someone else. I don’t deal drugs. I was just taking dance lessons to surprise my wife for our 10th anniversary. I work at Best Buy. I’m a nobody.

Michael (kicking Ted in his chest, knocking him and the chair backwards to the ground): I know drugs aren’t your racket, yet. You deal in electronics. I know all about your Chinese connections and worldwide distribution network. I know how you’ve killed off any and all competitors. I know how you use child slaves for labor. I know nearly everything. The only thing I don’t know is where I can exchange this for cash. (Michael is holding the Best Buy bag. Michael pulls out the CD along with the receipt showing them to Ted.)

Ted: You want to make a return? You want to return something at Best Buy? That’s what this whole thing is about? You killed about five people back at the studio, are you fucking nuts?

Michael: Just tell me what I want to know.

Ted: That’s easy. Just take it to the customer service counter and show them your receipt. They’ll give you the money. No questions asked. I promise.

Michael: Oh yeah, like it’s going to be that easy. I show up to make the return and your boys fill me full of lead. (Michael kicks Ted in the face.)

Ted (spitting out blood and teeth): What are you talking about? We’re a business. We don’t have any guns.

Michael: If you’re lying, I’m coming back to kill you. (Michael turns to leave.)

Ted: Wouldn’t you be dead?

Michael (turning back around and kicking Ted in the face): Yeah, and so will you.

(Michael leaves the warehouse and walks up to Sam and Fiona, who were watching the interrogation on a cell phone.)

Sam: You’re not gonna believe his crap, are you Mike? If we walk in there we’re dead.

Michael: We’re going to have to play the game his way, Sam. It’s the only plan we have. But just in case, Fi, can you get us a T-90?

Fiona: A T-90?! That’s a Russian tank. I have a friend who is an ex-KGB agent who just happens to live in Miami. He keeps an operational T-90 in his backyard and he owes me a favor. I’ll give him a call. What are you going to do with it?

Michael (close up on Michael’s face): I have a plan.

Michael’s Voice Over:

It’s quite common for an enemy to extend his hand to greet you, only to have that same hand pull you in close and stick a knife in your back with the other hand. The other hand that was holding the knife. Hidden from your view because he had that other hand behind his back. Or underneath his jacket.

The trick is to let them think you don’t know about the knife, and to show up to the meeting with something deadlier. Much deadlier.

(Scene change, Sam is hiding in the bushes outside Best Buy holding the A-Square Hannibal 577 rifle. Michael approaches.)

Michael: Good, you’re in place.

Sam: I don’t know what you’ve got planned, Mike, but I haven’t used a 577 since I left Indonesia. And did I mention I left Indonesia with a huge hole in it?

Michael: We can’t take any chances. These guys are too organized. They even have their own police force called the Geek Squad. You see those police vehicles down there. When the shit hits the fan, I want those vehicles destroyed.

Sam: Well, this is the rifle to do it. But where is Fi?

Michael: I’ve got a special plan for her. (Michael puts on his sunglasses) I’m heading in.

(Michael enters Best Buy in slow-mo wearing his yellow suit. He approaches the customer service counter and removes his sunglasses.)

Michael (leaning towards the employee behind the counter): Your boss Ted Arnold sent me here. He said I can return this for cash. (Michael places the bag containing the CD and the receipt on the counter.)

(The employee picks up the CD and looks at it. She then looks at the receipt. She turns her attention to Michael and smiles at him.)

Employee: No problem sir. I just need the credit card used to purchase this CD.

Michael: Well that sounds like a problem to me.

Michael (speaking into his bluetooth ear piece): Fi, it’s a go.

(Scene cuts to a wall inside Best Buy with a tank crashing through it. Fiona is in the tank and she starts blowing up merchandise in slow-mo. Customers start running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts to Sam outside, blowing up Geek Squad vehicles. Customers are running around in slow-mo.)

(Scene cuts back to Michael in front of the now very scared customer service employee.)

Michael: So do you still need to see my credit card?

Employee: There’s nothing I can do. The tank took out our power, the registers aren’t even working. I can’t open them.

Michael (pointing a gun at the employee’s head): Does this help, you dirty child enslaving dirtbag?

Employee (with a confused but scared look on her face): I’ve got some money in my purse. I could give it to you.

(The employee tries to move toward the purse, but Michael shoots her in the leg.)

Employee: You shot me in the leg. I’m just trying to get my purse.

Michael: I just wanted to make sure the purse was all you got. It’s a flesh wound, you’ll live. Now get your purse and give me the money.

(The employee grabs her purse and throws her wallet to Michael in slow-mo. He looks inside and pulls out a small wad of cash. He puts it in his jacket pocket. In slow-mo he puts his sunglasses back on and walks through the devastated building.)

(Scene change to abandoned warehouse. Ted is lying dead, still tied to the chair. Pete is tied to another chair.)

Pete: What the fuck, dudes? Why did you kidnap me? All I wanted was a ride to Best Buy. (Pete, turning his head.) Oh my fucking god, is that guy dead?

Michael: We said we’d take care of your problem and help your kid. We got your money back, plus some extra for your kid. It’s about $48.

Pete: Are you the crazy fucks who blew up the Best Buy?! I heard about it on the radio. You guys did all that for 48 bucks?! You fuckers are crazy.

Fiona: I know this was hard for you, but we never do it for the money. We did it for your kid. He, or maybe she, can really use the money.

Pete: My kid? I haven’t seen that brat in years? My bitch ex-wife left me and won’t let me see him because I don’t pay child support.

(Michael, Fiona, and Sam all look at each other knowingly.)

(Scene change to outside of warehouse. Sam, Fiona, and Michael are exiting the building in slow-mo.)

Sam: Well, that’s another case all wrapped up.

Fiona: Not quite yet. (Fiona pulls out her cell phone and presses a key. The entire warehouse explodes in slow-mo from multiple camera angles.)

Michael: I’ve got to leave; I have a meeting with someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned me. But first I have to go see my mom.

(Michael enters his mother’s house.)

Madeline: Michael, what are you doing here? (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: You called and said you wanted to see me. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Madeline: Michael, I’m worried about you. I don’t know what you do, but I know it’s dangerous. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

Michael: Mom, I can handle it. But I’ve got to leave. (Madeline puts a cigarette in her mouth and lights it. She draws a breath and blows out smoke.)

(Michael is about to leave his mom’s house when his cell phone rings. He answers it.)

Unknown Voice: Mr. Weston. It’s time we met. I’m someone who knows someone who is a neighbor to someone who might have burned you. Meet me at the dry cleaners on South Leroy. Come alone.

(Close up shot on Michael with a concerned look on his face. He puts sunglasses on. Takes them off again. Looks at sunglasses. Realizes he took his mother’s sunglasses by mistake. He puts them back on and smiles.)

(Fade to black.)

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Right to Work versus a Right to Contract

My state is considering enacting a Right to Work law. Right to Work, who could be against that?! Everyone should have right to work, how could there even be a downside to that?

Here’s the downside. Right to Work laws conflict with our rights to enter into contracts and have them enforced.

Imagine this. You’re a farmer and you enter into a contract to sell your crop to a buyer for a set price. That gives you piece of mind. You’ll sleep better knowing that when your crops come in, you have a predictable income.

However, when it comes time to sell, the buyer tells you, “I found a cheaper seller.” You tell him, “But we have a contract.” He tells you back, “Sure we do, but this is a Right to Buy state. That means I have the right to buy from whoever I want.”

Any union depends on the right to enter into contracts and having those contracts enforced. The workers get together and negotiate with the employer for wages, hours, working conditions, benefits, etc. The employer can agree, counter-offer, or disagree. However, once a contract is agreed to and signed, both sides have to honor it. The workers have to work and the employer has to pay.

What Right to Work laws do is eliminate any duty on the part of the employer to honor the contract. In a Right to Work state employers can still form unions and enter into contracts with employers, however, the employers can hire workers not bound by the contract.

So, much in the same way my hypothetical buyer can simply ignore the contract and buy from someone cheaper. Employers in Right to Work states can ignore the contract they freely entered into and pay non-union members whatever they want.

I recently wrote that the real purpose behind workers compensation laws is not to help workers, but is to give employers immunity from tort lawsuits. Similarly, the real purpose of Right to Work laws is not to help workers, but is to give employers immunity from the enforcement of contacts entered into with employees.

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